She let go.

She let go.

In a moment, without hardly a thought, she just decided. It's time. In that moment, there was no struggle. It wasn't exactly planned. It just happened.

All that had happened. All the pain. The heartache. The betrayal. The fear. The abandonment. The anger. The sadness. The grief.

She just, let go.

It wasn't something she dwelt on for days or even moments. There was no real conscientious decision. It really didn't take any effort.

In that moment, all the weight was lifted. It was gone. The past. The present. The future. Everything just was. She was. She is. I am.

It came without a storm and left in a whisper ...

She let go.

I. Let. Go.

Signs

We've all seen them.

You know.

The person standing on the street corner holding signs.

The ones we pass judgment on without even knowing their story.

Yeah.

"Those" people.

Today I was out preparing for my oldest's birthday. As I was driving to various stores looking for a "blizzard" style ice cream cake I noticed a guy. With a sign.

It read - "FAMILY OF 4. ANYTHING HELPS, GOD BLESS"

This was the second time I had seen him that day.

The first time I was moved with compassion but since I generally don't carry cash I went on my way dragging my three year old to the next stop.

The next time I saw him I had realized I did have cash on me. For whatever reason earlier in the week my debit card PIN was rejected. My card was locked and I had gone into the bank (again, something I rarely do) to get cash to buy gas and a little extra until the PIN issue was resolved. So, I happened to still have a $20 bill that I had overlooked earlier.

The second time I saw him I decided to go up and talk. To find out his story.

"I'm Susan. What's your name?" I asked.

"Dylan," he replied.

"Are you looking for work?" I inquired.

"We just came up from Oregon," he said, "I'm trying to find whatever I can."

We talked some more. He told me about his wife and two kids; a boy and a girl. He shared some family challenges - history of alcoholism in wife's family, they had left Oregon due to mother-in-law not being in recovery as she had let on, etc. Our conversation maybe lasted 4 or 5 minutes. I asked if he had help in the area and he told me he was attending a local church. It was daytime, cars were passing by, lots of people coming and going, so I felt comfortable talking.

I moved closer and asked Dylan, "What do you need?"

He replied, "I need $9 to pay rent today."

I pulled out the $20 and said, "Here. You're done for today."

He seemed relieved, genuinely relieved. I actually sensed his relief. It was as if a huge weight was lifted.

I can't imagine ... the stress of not being able to provide for your family, your children, yourself.

Actually, I can.

I have had to face struggles during my divorce that I never experienced before. Questions like, What do I do about bills I can't pay? How do I keep my kids safe? What if I can't do it? And on ...

So, I guess what I think is ... we don't always know "everything".

What does YOUR sign say?

Open letter to "that guy" ...

Yup. Here it is ... you will now have to suffer through my ramblings on dating after divorce.

Of course, we all know dating can be fun (NOT) ... and filled with lovely experiences (a few). However, here is what I want "that guy" to know about me and my family.

First, if you have raised all your kids/stepkids/adopted kids/etc. and enjoy your life of peace and quiet. Please do not date me. It is most likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

Next, if you live in India, Morocco, Indonesia, Somalia, or perhaps even Canada or Mexico it's not likely that I will relocate more than a few hours from where I currently live. It is highly likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

And, if you are in a job that requires significant travel and/or time away from home - which leaves me feeling as if I am a single parent (which I am so why would I change that?). It is very likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

If you are easily offended by strong opinions, show of emotion, and/or brutal honesty, it is definitely likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

In this house, are many toys.
It is loud.
There are fingerprints. Everywhere.
Things get messy.
We yell.
We cry.
We love.
The clothes don't always get folded or put away.
We hug.
We pray.
We laugh.
We are REAL.

So, if you have found that following your last relationship, you enjoy peace, quiet, neatness, sanity -- then it is most definite that I am NOT the girl for you ...

However, I believe "that guy" is out there. Somewhere. And, until then, I will raise my children to the best of my ability, being both mother and father; doing my best with God's help to love my kids and give them the space to heal and grow into the magnificent people already inside of them.

Letting go ...

Letting go.

It's hard.

Letting go of the past. Moving on.

Letting go of expectations;

• of myself
• my children
• my ex
• my family & friends
• my future

Letting go of guilt.

Am I stuck? Am I learning to let go?

I don't think so ... I think I am letting go.

Wrestling with anxiety. Wrestling with doubt. Wrestling insecurity. Wrestling against settling for what's "safe".

For me, my most difficult struggle is learning to let go.

Losing relationships. Losing security. Leaving unhealthy situations. Taking responsibility for my attitudes, actions, and behaviors.

Letting go of a lifetime of poor boundaries.

Letting go ...

... is hard.

I am a "Welfare" mom

How to address this issue ... As a result of my separation and divorce I have found myself in a precarious situation financially. I was not prepared to be the primary (financial) support for my family. In fact, much of my time was spent balancing my work/business with family obligations. In general the family obligations trumped work. It was an agreement I had with my partner at the time. Toward the end of our relationship, I was actually shouldering most, if not all, of the financial burden in additional to managing the household and tending to the children and their needs. Looking back, this was a breaking point for me. Again, without getting into too many details -- I was doing everything. It wasn't that I didn't ask for or want my partner's help ... in his brokenness he sabotaged even the simplest of family routines -- daily. (One reason why not being in daily relationship with him has actually made our lives somewhat easier.)

Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.

So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?

She looks like me.

I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.

During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.

One such comment is:

"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."

(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)

Other comments include:

"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."

To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.

I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.

I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.

And, finally:

"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"

And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.

And then, it all changed.

It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?

So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.

Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?

Absolutely.

I am a Welfare mom.

Defining me

Who am I?

I am;

Woman
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Divorced
Broken
Hurting
Tremendous
Overwhelming
Passionate
Compassionate
Teacher
Student
Single

I am all these things and more. I struggle so much with who I am. Divorce, hurt, betrayal, rejection - it all sucks. It hurts.

Who am I?

Friend
Lover
Healing
Hoping
Growing
Learning
Living
Loving

Who am I? What is my propose? What is my value? Why do I have to deal with such hurt? I don't know all the answers. I just know I'm where God wants me.

I don't understand - why I'm here, why I'm still hurting, why I have to struggle with my self-worth, believing in myself ...

Who am I?

I am the daughter of the most high King. I am beloved. I am loved without condition. I am His princess. My Father sees all my hurt, all my sadness, all my failures, my successes. In all of my questioning He is there. Always.

God is my rock.

No matter my circumstances; unemployed, divorced, hurting, healing, single, questioning, strong, weak - God will not abandon me.

Who am I?

I am beloved.

The healing journey

Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide ...

http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mercyme/songs/the-hurt-the-healer-lyrics.aspx

So, healing. What is it? How do you do it? Can you make it happen faster?

Hmmm. For me, healing from a history of unhealthy relationships and learning healthy boundaries has been a definite process. A process that takes TIME.

(Does 35+ years sound like a long time???)

How much time? I can't say. I have to say I have come SO FAR since leaving an extremely unhealthy relationship (marriage). I know I still have a long, long way to go in my journey and also realize that some of the struggles I have today will continue to creep up as I continue my journey toward health and wholeness. Oh, maybe I won't be quite so "psycho banshee" when triggered by difficult circumstances (yes, I have a tendency to externalize ... it isn't always pretty). But, I am so thankful that God has allowed me to heal and continues to stand by and provide while I work on my, ehm, er, "issues".

One thing I have learned (or, maybe am still learning - yeah, still learning) is not to take things personally. I grew up in an environment in which every little criticism I took personally. "Someone" did "something" and suddenly I was defending myself. I am learning to let go of this defensiveness. I am learning to take responsibility for MY feelings, MY attititudes, MY actions and MY behavior.

So, how did I manage to get so healthy and so suddenly?? Ha ha ha ... no, really. I have discovered I am a raging recovering codependent. What does that mean? It means sometimes I try to rescue other people. And sometimes I want others to rescue me. It's really just niceness taken to an unhealthy, really poor boundaries kinda place. It is work. Hard work.

And, just when you think you are done and have worked on all you possibly can, there's more W-O-R-K. Yup. Work.

Good news

So I have some good news. It doesn't involve a new job. Or lottery winnings. Or even that things have significantly changed in the past few days. I will say I have been on the edge. But, the good news? Are you ready? The good news is I'm still holding it together. I have been in the raw place of not knowing how I was going to provide for my family, of questioning everything I ever believed. But, we are here. We have made it through the day. We are getting help. We are healing. We are getting better. We are together. And, one day - soon - our family will be restored.

On the edge ...

Well, folks, I will say that this isn't an unfamiliar place but I had worked so hard to find stability, safety and peace. And, suddenly I find myself without employment, in the middle of a drama similar to my own experience - finding I have to distance myself from - with a child acting out in aggression endangering others in day camp, feeling exhausted and just at the end ...

Have you ever found yourself in that place? That place you work so hard to avoid or deny exisits? You know what I'm talking about. That place at the end of yourself where you think you couldn't go another inch, another minute, or maybe even one more second longer?

I've been to that place. The place where you question everything. The place where you wonder aloud, "Can this really be where I'm at again???" The place where you have to ask, "Is this it?" and "Is this all there is?"

I worked SO HARD. SO VERY HARD. To heal. To hope. To protect. To be healthy. So. Very. Hard.

What have I learned from the past few years of leaving the life I was accustomed to? From surviving an unhealthy marriage? From going through extreme emotional difficulty?

I have learned;

• I can do this.
• I can ask for help.
• I can take time out.
• I can choose to live in the moment.
• I can have joy.
• I can choose peace.
• I can not allow others free rent in my mental space.

That's right. I can. I can do this.

Do I like how it feels? No.

Do I want to be "saved"? Maybe.

Is this the worst, scariest, most annoying, most traumatic, most awful place I've ever experienced? Close.

Is it pretty? No.

Can I do this?

YES.

No longer in denial ...

..... Originally posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 .....

A lot has happened in just a short amount of time. Sometimes it's overwhelming. Others I wish we could just hurry up and get everything "done". Wow. I didn't even know life could get so hard.

Marriage was such a struggle. I worked so hard on my relationship but then to come to the realization there was no "relationship" to begin with because it was always just a game - a means to an end. I can't even really speak as to what he was playing at because what I do know is he really didn't care about me. Ever. Oh, well maybe in the way one keeps someone or something around because it makes us look or feel good about ourselves. But to realize I was NEVER in a true partnership with the one I chose to share my life with ... heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking ...

How to even begin to process this. I was and always have been a single mom. I am a single parent. I am single. I was single even when I was married. Wow. It's still overwhelming. I am right in the middle of it all and I can hardly believe it myself.

I am a single mom of four kids. I carry the load and responsibility for the five of us. I always have and I always did. I just didn't realize it. How could I have missed that? What was I thinking? Where were all my friends and family? How come we didn't notice?

Well, we didn't. Unlike the marriages that end mutually or with some agreement that the partners are not right for each other, mine ended with a threat to life and a new awareness that it was never even really "marriage". It was something like slavery I guess. As long as I did everything he expected (which he hardly ever told me what that was so I was being held accountable for things I did "wrong" when I wasn't even aware ...) everything was fine. Or so it seemed. I didn't know. I just didn't ...

I am a single mom. I have four children. How will we get through this crap? When will it be over? Will this fight ever end or will we be constantly on the look out for danger?

I don't know. I hope it will end soon. I know we will "make it" somehow, someway. I just don't know how.

Transformation: a Beautiful Dance or Messy Fall?

..... Originally posted on Monday, February 14, 2011 ......

This is it. The time where questioning sets in. This business of "transforming" has gone on long enough. I am tired of it. Actually, to be honest, I'm EXHAUSTED.

If you've experienced divorce (even the not quite so long and drawn out kind like mine) you may know what I'm talking about. If you've experienced any kind of "rock-your-world-question-everything-you-ever-believed" event in your life than you may also have an idea of what I'm talking about ...

The thing that no one ever mentions is just how MESSY the whole transformation is. Is it just that others are so much more "graceful" when they experience a season in life that challenges them? Why is it that I feel like I'm not doing it very well? Why is it I feel as if I'm failing? Why does it feel more like demolition than rebuilding?

Without going into too much detail (yes, I am learning the art of NOT oversharing ...) this past year and a half dealing with the legal and court system, counselors, concerns, advocates (some who, in my opinion, aren't very "advocatorial" if I can use that made up word), judges, betrayals, loss of dreams, grief, and emotional highs and lows has been a real challenge for me. And I thought I was tough!

What I am realizing is that this business of life is messy. Even under the best of circumstances. I will admit my kids have seen me at some pretty low moments in this transition. Realizing and recognizing the need for change begins with me has not been comforting. I don't want to change. I want the dream. I want happily ever after. Damnit! I feel robbed. Ripped off.

And then, I have to let go. I have to CHOOSE to let go. LET GO. Sometimes several times a day. Let go of the lies that held me back. The lies I told myself about how it "should" be. Lies about me. Lies I believed that were buried deep. So deep I didn't even know they were lies. Breaking down the lies. Forgiving myself. And then forgiving myself again. And again. Learning to forgive.

Sometimes I feel like it's "too messy" - that even acknowledging just how messy it is might somehow jinx me. It seems as if we are expected to have it together all the time. We put on our best face when others ask us how we're doing; like if I really get into the seriously messiness of it all no one will want to be around me. It's so big. So big and messy.

I know I will get through this. I look around and see that others have overcome situations so much harder and they made it. I will make it. We will make it.

But it's messy. This rebuilding. This rebirth.

That's it. Birth. Just like having a baby. The incredible joy that comes after pregnancy. Then labor. Pain and labor. And after laboring comes the birth. The miracle of birth. Birth that is messy. The mess from labor that results in unimaginable joy. The joy of bringing forth a new life. I am blessed with the miracle of four amazing children as a result of the pain of labor. I remind myself to continue to labor in this work of birthing (our family, myself, this new life) because it will produce UNIMAGINABLE JOY.

JOY.

I am clinging to the hope this pain we are experiencing will be used to help others. It will be used to help us. To save us. To save others. To point others to what has been my saving grace - the knowledge that the One who made me is still here in the middle of this mess. He is here loving me, holding me, accepting me, helping me, leading me and cheering me on.

Just when I think I can't go on, I am reminded to stop and take a breath and look ahead to the finish line. I'm not sure exactly how far away it is but I know it's there. I can see it now. I refuse to give up after coming this far. And so, I labor through another contraction, another messy situation, another screw up, another opportunity to get it right (unlike the last 10 times when I just blew it ...) I practice doing it better the next time. Growing, learning, transforming ...

This transformation I am sure will result in a glorious, more mature, less anxious version of me. A stronger me; a stronger, more connected family. But most days I feel as if I'm falling with just about as much grace as an elephant on ice skates.

It is my hope that God turns this fall, this mess, into a beautiful dance. A dance of life.

A dance that we can teach to others dealing with their own mess.

Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Your True Image ...

..... Originally posted on Wednesday, January 19, 2011 .....

 

So I have been ruminating about a bazillion (that's a lot) of things to blog lately. I'm still mulling over all kinds of things I want to get out but this is one that struck me as I go through this trial. I have really struggled with my image and the way God sees me. Also, I have struggle with loving myself and believing myself to be worthy of God's best for me in my life.

This is actually an excerpt from a fabulous book titled Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Our True Image in the Mirror of God;

Before the beginning of time, I knew you*. I knew what color your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in My image. Before the beginning time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens, and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart.

You are mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are My pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of My hand. I love you, even in the face of your failure. NOTHING you can say or do can cause Me to stop loving you. I am RELENTLESS in my pursuit of you. Run from Me -- I will love you. Spurn me -- I will love you. Reject yourself -- I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary.

When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you -- heart, mind, and body. You are My desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with GENTLE passion.

You are My beloved and I am yours.

Love,
God

(adapted from 1 John 3:2; Isaiah 43:1; Matthew 13:46; Ephesians 1:4; Revelation 13:8; Psalm 194:4; Song of Solomon 7:10; 6:3)

* [remove "you" and replace with your name - God is speaking to "you"] :)

Resolutions?

..... Originally posted on Monday, January 3, 2011 .....

 

Well, here we are. Another year. A new year. A year for new.

Since my last post I have been thinking about choices.

You know. The things we do all day. Sometimes we put off choices until we gather more information. Sometimes we make them without thinking.

Today you have a choice.

If you find yourself in a difficult situation, one in which you have to make a choice; maybe a really big choice, take your time to make the right choice.

Even in the middle of the crazy, scary, anxiety producing act of leaving my husband I have worked hard to make right choices.

I am not saying you cannot process and grieve. Or make time for feeling and just being. But there is a time to CHOOSE.

You have the power to choose how you respond;

• To the people around you who will criticize and condemn you
• To the friends who have or will betray you
• To your partner who hurt you
• To yourself
• To your family
• To your children
• To life

I am not saying it is easy. Or without pain. Or fun.

It's sometimes lonely. And scary. And the way seems hopeless.

Press on. Continue to make choices to be safe physically and emotionally. Continue to ask for and receive help. Continue to choose life. Every day.

We cannot help but accept the situation we find ourselves in. But we can change how we see our circumstance. Is it a challenge? Or is it a breaking point? Will you rise up and fly? Or will you flounder and fail? The choice is up to you.

In the midst of the storm we have to make choices. Choices we must make to continue to move forward toward healing.

What will you choose?

Random thoughts on recent events - getting up-to-date

..... Originally posted on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 .....

Hmmm ... well, I don't really even know where or how to start this current post. So many things have happened since my last post that I will do my best to highlight what has happened and then maybe go back and do fill you in in-depth later.

Highlight #1:
The reason my marriage didn't "work out" - yeah, his family has a history of family violence. I didn't know. This information was disclosed to me by my sister-in-law about 3 years ago. Things that didn't work in our relationship started to "click".

In Fall of 2009, after seeking help, talking, berating, working on "relationship" issues and seeking to understand how my husband would have been affected by witnessing and experiencing abuse as a child, I asked him for a separation.

His response?

Get a shotgun and barricade himself in the bedroom.

(Up to the point of our actual separation, he denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with our current problems. Yeah. Right.)

Now, I am leaving out some major details. Suffice it to say, this was the absolute SCARIEST, most TRAUMATIC moment in my life. I left. IMMEDIATELY. Police came. He was removed. The following Monday I filed a restraining order and began the process of separating myself from him; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and legally.

A lot has happened since that time. As I look back on that moment I am competely aware that not only was he threatening to take his own life but mine as well. I am thankful for God's grace in that moment and since.

I guess one reason I am back here blogging now is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I am now (always was - just didn't realize it) a single mom with four kids. Yup. Four. And we are making it! You can too! More on that later ...

Highlight #2
The court system/family law SUCKS. If you think you will get satisfaction from the court system. You will not. Do not put your faith in "the system". The best you can do is educate yourself on how the system works and the profile of abusers.

Here are some recommended readings to help:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Refuge: A Pathway Out of Domestic Violence & Abuse
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
This is not at all a comprehensive list of books that may be helpful. There are dozens more. However, these three in particular are ones that have helped me develop a better understanding or my own situation and how to respond.

Highlight #3:
God is in the details.

Always.

How can I say that? Well, I will add more to the posts here as time goes on ... but let me just say my faith has grown by leaps and bounds during this time of crisis. My finances, my health, my children, and yes, even my *GASP* love life is very much of interest to God.

The most important thing I have learned in all of this is that God loves me. He cares about me. He is intimately concerned with EVERY detail of my life. He pursues me as a lover would his love interest. Aside from the beautiful jewels of my children that I get out of the ashes of my failed marriage, I have a new love. One who is ALWAYS by my side, who will NEVER leave me, one who is there for me and loves me just as I am.

He pursues me RELENTLESSLY.

If you find yourself in my position; staring at the ashes of your failed marriage, wondering what will happen to your children, where you will live, maybe even how you will have enough money to put food on the table...stop. Take your eyes off the things of this world and raise them up. Look up. Reach out to your Heavenly Father and press in. Hard.

He will NEVER let you down.

Update

..... Originally posted Monday, November 29, 2010 .....

So, it's been awhile since my last post...a lot of the same old same old. Still not having divorce final is a bit of a bummer as there is really nothing left to discuss. It's over. Done.

The kids had school conferences. Went out on a couple of dates. Work, school, chores. Life goes on.

Looking forward to the Holidays. Hanging out with the kids, getting some time away from the kids. Just, well, living.

Nothing major for today. Will come back with something a little more "sassy" maybe next time! :D

Online dating? The NEW Frontier??

..... Originally posted on Friday, October 22, 2010 .....

Right. So after a while thoughts turn to dating and meeting new people. I tried a couple of dating sites for fun. And being the, ahem, frugal single mom that I am not wanting to pay for any subscriptions I'm on the free sites. One isn't so bad. But what cracks me up is the guys' profiles. Seriously? Pictures of your kids? Is that even legal? I'm not opposed to you having kids, but I won't post pics of my kiddos for random strangers to browse through. Not in today's online world. And, another thing. What happened to getting to know someone. It's like suddenly we're all best friends because we have chatted a couple of times on IM, sharing information that is a tad, uhm, over the top. Save that stuff for later on.

Well, guys, a couple of suggestions;

1. Put your shirt on for your profile pic. No shirt smacks of arrogance (although I'm not complaining too much) ;). Moving on!
2. No pictures of your kid(s). It's just not safe. Save that for the third date.
3. If you can't send a message with more than "hi" and "hey there" then maybe you need to rethink hitting 'send'. Read her profile and think of something original.
4. Also, spell check puh-leease! And, punctuation and grammar matters (to some) so if you're looking for a classy gal you may want to run it through MS word just to be safe.
5. Rotate your picture so you are at least right side up. No one wants to look at you sideways :)
6. In your profile we wanna see more than "I like to work out" and "No fat chicks" - again with the arrogance. I like fit guys as much as you like fit girls, but if you're really that shallow, well that's all I have to say.
7. Lastly, if you have to crop your mom or ex out of your only head shot - it's time to take a new head shot!

So, I'll keep you updated on adventures in online "dating" ? It's a new world out there.

July 2012 UPDATE: I pulled all my online dating profiles in the Fall of 2011. I got fed up weeding through the online predators. I have been seeing an amazing guy. We'll see how it goes ...

Introduction to Storm of Grace

..... Originally posted on Thursday, October 21, 2010 .....

Why blog?

So, just about a year ago my marriage fell apart. It was actually falling apart for quite sometime as I've now processed the last 3 to 5 years or so of our relationship. In the last year there have been some incredibly difficult challenges, as well as, some incredible moments. This blog is so I can post all my funny stories re: transitioning to single parenthood, dating, divorce court, and kids stories. I may post some serious stories too; family violence, safety planning, how to run a background check on just about anyone ;) and more.

Stay tuned ... looking forward to "memorializing" my year(s) of transformation from wife and mother to friend and individual.