..... Originally posted on Monday, February 14, 2011 ......
This is it. The time where questioning sets in. This business of "transforming" has gone on long enough. I am tired of it. Actually, to be honest, I'm EXHAUSTED.
If you've experienced divorce (even the not quite so long and drawn out kind like mine) you may know what I'm talking about. If you've experienced any kind of "rock-your-world-question-everything-you-ever-believed" event in your life than you may also have an idea of what I'm talking about ...
The thing that no one ever mentions is just how MESSY the whole transformation is. Is it just that others are so much more "graceful" when they experience a season in life that challenges them? Why is it that I feel like I'm not doing it very well? Why is it I feel as if I'm failing? Why does it feel more like demolition than rebuilding?
Without going into too much detail (yes, I am learning the art of NOT oversharing ...) this past year and a half dealing with the legal and court system, counselors, concerns, advocates (some who, in my opinion, aren't very "advocatorial" if I can use that made up word), judges, betrayals, loss of dreams, grief, and emotional highs and lows has been a real challenge for me. And I thought I was tough!
What I am realizing is that this business of life is messy. Even under the best of circumstances. I will admit my kids have seen me at some pretty low moments in this transition. Realizing and recognizing the need for change begins with me has not been comforting. I don't want to change. I want the dream. I want happily ever after. Damnit! I feel robbed. Ripped off.
And then, I have to let go. I have to CHOOSE to let go. LET GO. Sometimes several times a day. Let go of the lies that held me back. The lies I told myself about how it "should" be. Lies about me. Lies I believed that were buried deep. So deep I didn't even know they were lies. Breaking down the lies. Forgiving myself. And then forgiving myself again. And again. Learning to forgive.
Sometimes I feel like it's "too messy" - that even acknowledging just how messy it is might somehow jinx me. It seems as if we are expected to have it together all the time. We put on our best face when others ask us how we're doing; like if I really get into the seriously messiness of it all no one will want to be around me. It's so big. So big and messy.
I know I will get through this. I look around and see that others have overcome situations so much harder and they made it. I will make it. We will make it.
But it's messy. This rebuilding. This rebirth.
That's it. Birth. Just like having a baby. The incredible joy that comes after pregnancy. Then labor. Pain and labor. And after laboring comes the birth. The miracle of birth. Birth that is messy. The mess from labor that results in unimaginable joy. The joy of bringing forth a new life. I am blessed with the miracle of four amazing children as a result of the pain of labor. I remind myself to continue to labor in this work of birthing (our family, myself, this new life) because it will produce UNIMAGINABLE JOY.
JOY.
I am clinging to the hope this pain we are experiencing will be used to help others. It will be used to help us. To save us. To save others. To point others to what has been my saving grace - the knowledge that the One who made me is still here in the middle of this mess. He is here loving me, holding me, accepting me, helping me, leading me and cheering me on.
Just when I think I can't go on, I am reminded to stop and take a breath and look ahead to the finish line. I'm not sure exactly how far away it is but I know it's there. I can see it now. I refuse to give up after coming this far. And so, I labor through another contraction, another messy situation, another screw up, another opportunity to get it right (unlike the last 10 times when I just blew it ...) I practice doing it better the next time. Growing, learning, transforming ...
This transformation I am sure will result in a glorious, more mature, less anxious version of me. A stronger me; a stronger, more connected family. But most days I feel as if I'm falling with just about as much grace as an elephant on ice skates.
It is my hope that God turns this fall, this mess, into a beautiful dance. A dance of life.
A dance that we can teach to others dealing with their own mess.
If you've experienced divorce (even the not quite so long and drawn out kind like mine) you may know what I'm talking about. If you've experienced any kind of "rock-your-world-question-everything-you-ever-believed" event in your life than you may also have an idea of what I'm talking about ...
The thing that no one ever mentions is just how MESSY the whole transformation is. Is it just that others are so much more "graceful" when they experience a season in life that challenges them? Why is it that I feel like I'm not doing it very well? Why is it I feel as if I'm failing? Why does it feel more like demolition than rebuilding?
Without going into too much detail (yes, I am learning the art of NOT oversharing ...) this past year and a half dealing with the legal and court system, counselors, concerns, advocates (some who, in my opinion, aren't very "advocatorial" if I can use that made up word), judges, betrayals, loss of dreams, grief, and emotional highs and lows has been a real challenge for me. And I thought I was tough!
What I am realizing is that this business of life is messy. Even under the best of circumstances. I will admit my kids have seen me at some pretty low moments in this transition. Realizing and recognizing the need for change begins with me has not been comforting. I don't want to change. I want the dream. I want happily ever after. Damnit! I feel robbed. Ripped off.
And then, I have to let go. I have to CHOOSE to let go. LET GO. Sometimes several times a day. Let go of the lies that held me back. The lies I told myself about how it "should" be. Lies about me. Lies I believed that were buried deep. So deep I didn't even know they were lies. Breaking down the lies. Forgiving myself. And then forgiving myself again. And again. Learning to forgive.
Sometimes I feel like it's "too messy" - that even acknowledging just how messy it is might somehow jinx me. It seems as if we are expected to have it together all the time. We put on our best face when others ask us how we're doing; like if I really get into the seriously messiness of it all no one will want to be around me. It's so big. So big and messy.
I know I will get through this. I look around and see that others have overcome situations so much harder and they made it. I will make it. We will make it.
But it's messy. This rebuilding. This rebirth.
That's it. Birth. Just like having a baby. The incredible joy that comes after pregnancy. Then labor. Pain and labor. And after laboring comes the birth. The miracle of birth. Birth that is messy. The mess from labor that results in unimaginable joy. The joy of bringing forth a new life. I am blessed with the miracle of four amazing children as a result of the pain of labor. I remind myself to continue to labor in this work of birthing (our family, myself, this new life) because it will produce UNIMAGINABLE JOY.
JOY.
I am clinging to the hope this pain we are experiencing will be used to help others. It will be used to help us. To save us. To save others. To point others to what has been my saving grace - the knowledge that the One who made me is still here in the middle of this mess. He is here loving me, holding me, accepting me, helping me, leading me and cheering me on.
Just when I think I can't go on, I am reminded to stop and take a breath and look ahead to the finish line. I'm not sure exactly how far away it is but I know it's there. I can see it now. I refuse to give up after coming this far. And so, I labor through another contraction, another messy situation, another screw up, another opportunity to get it right (unlike the last 10 times when I just blew it ...) I practice doing it better the next time. Growing, learning, transforming ...
This transformation I am sure will result in a glorious, more mature, less anxious version of me. A stronger me; a stronger, more connected family. But most days I feel as if I'm falling with just about as much grace as an elephant on ice skates.
It is my hope that God turns this fall, this mess, into a beautiful dance. A dance of life.
A dance that we can teach to others dealing with their own mess.
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