Somewhere in the middle of all the energy fighting to keep my kids safe, to get them the help and resources they need, somewhere in all of the living and surviving, I have had zero time to grieve.
I find lots of time to be angry, to shout in frustration at my kids, to let bitterness well up so much that I feel I'm being crushed under it's weight.
But sadness? Who has time for that? That's where the anger keeps me safe. Or, so I think. I think being angry will keep me safe. Safe from the hurt. Safe from the lost feeling. Safe from being frozen with inaction. Safe from the unknown.
All it really does is drive a wedge even further between my trauma and the trauma my kids have suffered. It steals my joy. Anger takes away from MOVING ON.
I can't say I know what to do with it. I have come to recognize many of the things that trigger my anger; fear, exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, financial stresses ... sadness.
Added to that fact that we experience ongoing trauma due to visitation and transition issues, it feels like the anger is always there. Festering. Waiting to rear it's head and EXPLODE.
My fear is it's too much. That no one can or will stay with us through all this difficulty. It's big. So big. Overwhelming ...
Slowly, the anger turns to tears. The sadness threatens to crush me. It's as if I can't breath. I'm drowning ... drowning in sorrow ...
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Reflections: 20 Year Reunion ...
Wow. Twenty years. Twenty years have passed since I graduated high school. Twenty short years. Or, maybe they have been long. The past 5 years have definitely been some of the most difficult of my life ...
As I look forward (still debating on attending ...) to my 20 year high school reunion I can't help but reflect on the past 20 years. Many good. Many memorable. Tough times. Trying times. Joyful times. And, our share of hard times. Some very, very hard.
Twenty years. Two decades representing my entire adult life. In that 20 years, I graduated high school, went to college, gave birth, graduated college, secured employment in my field, gave birth to a second son, went to grad school, started my own business, bought a home, finished grad school, gave birth to a third son, continued building my business, then gave birth to a fourth son. I have given birth to 4 amazing boys. FOUR. Yup. Amazing.
Also during the past two decades, I struggled. Relationships struggles. Big struggles. Ongoing struggles.In 2007 I was informed of (then) husband's family history of extreme violence; alcoholism, abuse, instability, mental health issues. Lies. Lots and lots of lies. The man I was married to was not who he portrayed himself to be.
In 2009, due to a traumatic incident (see "But ... he doesn't hit me"), I filed a restraining order and began the process of legal separation/divorce. It was/is brutal. Not only does this year mark 20 years since high school graduation, I also celebrate the 5th year of my separation/divorce.
Twenty years ago I was a high school senior with plans. What plans? Plans to go to college and become a teacher. So that's what I did. I went to college. I became a teacher. I taught briefly after graduating college and then decided to stay home with my son and worked part time. I don't regret for one moment making my family a priority. Not one. However, due to being out of my profession for 8 or so years while raising a family, I am now at a cross-roads. My options in the education world are; substitute teach or work as a para educator. Options are limited.
Finding work outside of education is absolutely a possibility. This is the question I get at nearly every interview;
"If your background is in education, why don't you just go back to teaching?"
And, thus my dilemma ... Lots of education. Little work experience (outside of running my own business). The other issue I personally struggle with is this - I love teaching. I'm good at it. I had my dream job running my own tutoring business. Earning an income AND having fun doing it. I was good at it. However, due to ongoing family issues; including mental health, self-harm, and ongoing behavioral and emotional concerns with all of the children I decided to close my business and focus on family.
Twenty years ...
As I look forward (still debating on attending ...) to my 20 year high school reunion I can't help but reflect on the past 20 years. Many good. Many memorable. Tough times. Trying times. Joyful times. And, our share of hard times. Some very, very hard.
Twenty years. Two decades representing my entire adult life. In that 20 years, I graduated high school, went to college, gave birth, graduated college, secured employment in my field, gave birth to a second son, went to grad school, started my own business, bought a home, finished grad school, gave birth to a third son, continued building my business, then gave birth to a fourth son. I have given birth to 4 amazing boys. FOUR. Yup. Amazing.
Also during the past two decades, I struggled. Relationships struggles. Big struggles. Ongoing struggles.In 2007 I was informed of (then) husband's family history of extreme violence; alcoholism, abuse, instability, mental health issues. Lies. Lots and lots of lies. The man I was married to was not who he portrayed himself to be.
In 2009, due to a traumatic incident (see "But ... he doesn't hit me"), I filed a restraining order and began the process of legal separation/divorce. It was/is brutal. Not only does this year mark 20 years since high school graduation, I also celebrate the 5th year of my separation/divorce.
Twenty years ago I was a high school senior with plans. What plans? Plans to go to college and become a teacher. So that's what I did. I went to college. I became a teacher. I taught briefly after graduating college and then decided to stay home with my son and worked part time. I don't regret for one moment making my family a priority. Not one. However, due to being out of my profession for 8 or so years while raising a family, I am now at a cross-roads. My options in the education world are; substitute teach or work as a para educator. Options are limited.
Finding work outside of education is absolutely a possibility. This is the question I get at nearly every interview;
"If your background is in education, why don't you just go back to teaching?"
And, thus my dilemma ... Lots of education. Little work experience (outside of running my own business). The other issue I personally struggle with is this - I love teaching. I'm good at it. I had my dream job running my own tutoring business. Earning an income AND having fun doing it. I was good at it. However, due to ongoing family issues; including mental health, self-harm, and ongoing behavioral and emotional concerns with all of the children I decided to close my business and focus on family.
Twenty years ...
Friday, February 15, 2013
But ... he doesn't hit me ... [part one]
When I initially separated from my ex I didn't even realize I had been in an "abusive" or toxic relationship.
When the advocate went over the packet "Am I Abused?", all I remember thinking is, "But he doesn't *hit* me ..." In fact, I even told her this.
Now, however, I know even the "minor" physical assaults were serious (he minimized them of course, or blamed them on me -- "She was out of control. I had to restrain her for her safety.")
But, I was in a relationship that was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Just because s/he doesn't hit, doesn't mean there isn't abuse. And, here I am talking to both men AND women. Women are just as apt to abuse verbally and/or emotionally. In fact, I've met many divorced men who I would classify as having been in a dysfunctional controlling relationship with their now ex's ...
So, on October 24, 2009 - three years ago now - my entire world changed in an instant. Before I talk about what happened on that day, I need to give you some background; I met my (then) husband at our local Junior College. He was a bit of a bad boy. Musician. At the time, he seemed "strong but silent" (Now, I would say moody and insecure ... I digress.) At first he seemed attentive, said all the things I wanted to hear ... we quickly began to spend much of our time together. Very quickly, within a year of meeting and dating, we marry, move to another town to finish college. I get pregnant between year 2 and 3 of our marriage and give birth to our first son. Graduate college. Move back to my home town. Get a job(s). Have another child. Build a house. Get a Master's Degree. Start my own business. Have two more children (the count is now at 4 for those keeping track).
And, like things in life tend to be, there was good and bad during that second half of our marriage. Challenges and successes. In my professional life, my business was doing well. I was able to keep up with my growing family and do well in my work. It was extremely satisfying. He was working for a local school during this period. Things seemed to be happening according to schedule. The kids were growing, the house was purchased, jobs were going well ... or, so it seemed.
With the birth of my 3rd child, things began to change ... I can't pinpoint the exact moment but it seemed with only 2 kids I could still manage to get everything done. I was able to "keep on top of things". He was still working. Although his job wasn't terribly "demanding" you would think it took everything he had. There was very little help (read no help) with the day-to-day managing of the children or household. Unknowingly I had taken on more and more responsibilities with each addition to our family. And what was he doing? Well, that is a very good question.
Around this same time, my (then) sister-in-law came back into communication with our family. At around the time my 3rd child was 4 months old, she began to disclose to me their family history of violence, extreme physical violence in many cases, along with alcohol abuse. I won't traumatize you with details about the stories she shared. They were stuff you read about in the newspaper. It was appalling. I couldn't believe the kinds of situations she was describing. I had compassion on my husband. I expressed sorrow about his awful childhood experiences. His reply? "I don't remember," he claimed.
I started seeing a counselor. I was exhausted. By now I had 3 young children. As I reasonably expected the other adult - my partner, the person who was always quick to declare his love - to help, his mind games increased. He would be the first to leave the dinner table and not return to help clean. I was doing essentially all the management of the growing needs of 3 children, the household, and myself. When I would make an effort to connect with him by sitting down next to him at the end of the evening, he would get up and immediately leave the room. I was utterly confused. He complained we didn't spend time together. I resolved to spend more time with him, yet he would physically leave anytime I was even in the same room. When I confronted him about this he denied it happening. He pushed back and said I was imagining things. Etc. Etc. Etc. And on ...
I was also feeling more and more isolated. I focused on my business. My kids. Church. My family (which is also dysfunctional by the way, but that's a post for another day ...). It seemed with the information about the family violence in my husband's past, things in our relationship "clicked". I began to get help. I began to observe patterns. I started paying attention to his speech patterns. How he always seemed to have something negative to say. About everything. How he told me I was angry. I was sensitive. (Wait? Didn't he just say I was angry? How can you be angry and sensitive?). He denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with, well, he denied his childhood experiences.
But, for me, I was moving. Growing. Living. Getting information. At the height of our "relationship" difficulties, I became pregnant with my 4th child. Where does a pregnant mother of 3 go for help? How does it look to be suffering "relationship" difficulties when you are having his child?" I'll tell you. It doesn't look pretty. In fact, as I look back, my "partner" (ha! you have to suffer through my extensive use of "quotation marks" in this post!!), so, my "partner" didn't really do much to support me, help with the other children, or take any interest in my pregnancy. I simply chose to focus on myself. Staying healthy for my baby. Taking care of his brothers. Running my business. In essence, I absolutely ignored any marriage problems for that period of time. I couldn't deal with them.
Shortly after the birth of my 4th child with him, I realized I needed help. I was in individual counseling (he claimed I had post-partum depression). My counselor recommended marriage counseling. Well, the marriage counseling worked -- I'm no longer married. Nor am I miserable. Nothing changed. Our "relationship" didn't work. I could no longer keep up with only being a slave for my ex. I had four children who needed me. I needed me. I realize now that he didn't hit me because I would have left. Immediately. Instead, he played games. Denied. Minimized. Blamed. If that didn't work, he outright lied. He would name call. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I liked to fight. And much more.
So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.
To be continued ...
When the advocate went over the packet "Am I Abused?", all I remember thinking is, "But he doesn't *hit* me ..." In fact, I even told her this.
Now, however, I know even the "minor" physical assaults were serious (he minimized them of course, or blamed them on me -- "She was out of control. I had to restrain her for her safety.")
But, I was in a relationship that was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Just because s/he doesn't hit, doesn't mean there isn't abuse. And, here I am talking to both men AND women. Women are just as apt to abuse verbally and/or emotionally. In fact, I've met many divorced men who I would classify as having been in a dysfunctional controlling relationship with their now ex's ...
So, on October 24, 2009 - three years ago now - my entire world changed in an instant. Before I talk about what happened on that day, I need to give you some background; I met my (then) husband at our local Junior College. He was a bit of a bad boy. Musician. At the time, he seemed "strong but silent" (Now, I would say moody and insecure ... I digress.) At first he seemed attentive, said all the things I wanted to hear ... we quickly began to spend much of our time together. Very quickly, within a year of meeting and dating, we marry, move to another town to finish college. I get pregnant between year 2 and 3 of our marriage and give birth to our first son. Graduate college. Move back to my home town. Get a job(s). Have another child. Build a house. Get a Master's Degree. Start my own business. Have two more children (the count is now at 4 for those keeping track).
And, like things in life tend to be, there was good and bad during that second half of our marriage. Challenges and successes. In my professional life, my business was doing well. I was able to keep up with my growing family and do well in my work. It was extremely satisfying. He was working for a local school during this period. Things seemed to be happening according to schedule. The kids were growing, the house was purchased, jobs were going well ... or, so it seemed.
With the birth of my 3rd child, things began to change ... I can't pinpoint the exact moment but it seemed with only 2 kids I could still manage to get everything done. I was able to "keep on top of things". He was still working. Although his job wasn't terribly "demanding" you would think it took everything he had. There was very little help (read no help) with the day-to-day managing of the children or household. Unknowingly I had taken on more and more responsibilities with each addition to our family. And what was he doing? Well, that is a very good question.
Around this same time, my (then) sister-in-law came back into communication with our family. At around the time my 3rd child was 4 months old, she began to disclose to me their family history of violence, extreme physical violence in many cases, along with alcohol abuse. I won't traumatize you with details about the stories she shared. They were stuff you read about in the newspaper. It was appalling. I couldn't believe the kinds of situations she was describing. I had compassion on my husband. I expressed sorrow about his awful childhood experiences. His reply? "I don't remember," he claimed.
I started seeing a counselor. I was exhausted. By now I had 3 young children. As I reasonably expected the other adult - my partner, the person who was always quick to declare his love - to help, his mind games increased. He would be the first to leave the dinner table and not return to help clean. I was doing essentially all the management of the growing needs of 3 children, the household, and myself. When I would make an effort to connect with him by sitting down next to him at the end of the evening, he would get up and immediately leave the room. I was utterly confused. He complained we didn't spend time together. I resolved to spend more time with him, yet he would physically leave anytime I was even in the same room. When I confronted him about this he denied it happening. He pushed back and said I was imagining things. Etc. Etc. Etc. And on ...
I was also feeling more and more isolated. I focused on my business. My kids. Church. My family (which is also dysfunctional by the way, but that's a post for another day ...). It seemed with the information about the family violence in my husband's past, things in our relationship "clicked". I began to get help. I began to observe patterns. I started paying attention to his speech patterns. How he always seemed to have something negative to say. About everything. How he told me I was angry. I was sensitive. (Wait? Didn't he just say I was angry? How can you be angry and sensitive?). He denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with, well, he denied his childhood experiences.
But, for me, I was moving. Growing. Living. Getting information. At the height of our "relationship" difficulties, I became pregnant with my 4th child. Where does a pregnant mother of 3 go for help? How does it look to be suffering "relationship" difficulties when you are having his child?" I'll tell you. It doesn't look pretty. In fact, as I look back, my "partner" (ha! you have to suffer through my extensive use of "quotation marks" in this post!!), so, my "partner" didn't really do much to support me, help with the other children, or take any interest in my pregnancy. I simply chose to focus on myself. Staying healthy for my baby. Taking care of his brothers. Running my business. In essence, I absolutely ignored any marriage problems for that period of time. I couldn't deal with them.
Shortly after the birth of my 4th child with him, I realized I needed help. I was in individual counseling (he claimed I had post-partum depression). My counselor recommended marriage counseling. Well, the marriage counseling worked -- I'm no longer married. Nor am I miserable. Nothing changed. Our "relationship" didn't work. I could no longer keep up with only being a slave for my ex. I had four children who needed me. I needed me. I realize now that he didn't hit me because I would have left. Immediately. Instead, he played games. Denied. Minimized. Blamed. If that didn't work, he outright lied. He would name call. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I liked to fight. And much more.
So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.
To be continued ...
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Open letter to "that guy" ...
Yup. Here it is ... you will now have to suffer through my ramblings on dating after divorce.
Of course, we all know dating can be fun (NOT) ... and filled with lovely experiences (a few). However, here is what I want "that guy" to know about me and my family.
First, if you have raised all your kids/stepkids/adopted kids/etc. and enjoy your life of peace and quiet. Please do not date me. It is most likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
Next, if you live in India, Morocco, Indonesia, Somalia, or perhaps even Canada or Mexico it's not likely that I will relocate more than a few hours from where I currently live. It is highly likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
And, if you are in a job that requires significant travel and/or time away from home - which leaves me feeling as if I am a single parent (which I am so why would I change that?). It is very likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
If you are easily offended by strong opinions, show of emotion, and/or brutal honesty, it is definitely likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
In this house, are many toys.
It is loud.
There are fingerprints. Everywhere.
Things get messy.
We yell.
We cry.
We love.
The clothes don't always get folded or put away.
We hug.
We pray.
We laugh.
We are REAL.
So, if you have found that following your last relationship, you enjoy peace, quiet, neatness, sanity -- then it is most definite that I am NOT the girl for you ...
However, I believe "that guy" is out there. Somewhere. And, until then, I will raise my children to the best of my ability, being both mother and father; doing my best with God's help to love my kids and give them the space to heal and grow into the magnificent people already inside of them.
Of course, we all know dating can be fun (NOT) ... and filled with lovely experiences (a few). However, here is what I want "that guy" to know about me and my family.
First, if you have raised all your kids/stepkids/adopted kids/etc. and enjoy your life of peace and quiet. Please do not date me. It is most likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
Next, if you live in India, Morocco, Indonesia, Somalia, or perhaps even Canada or Mexico it's not likely that I will relocate more than a few hours from where I currently live. It is highly likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
And, if you are in a job that requires significant travel and/or time away from home - which leaves me feeling as if I am a single parent (which I am so why would I change that?). It is very likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
If you are easily offended by strong opinions, show of emotion, and/or brutal honesty, it is definitely likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
In this house, are many toys.
It is loud.
There are fingerprints. Everywhere.
Things get messy.
We yell.
We cry.
We love.
The clothes don't always get folded or put away.
We hug.
We pray.
We laugh.
We are REAL.
So, if you have found that following your last relationship, you enjoy peace, quiet, neatness, sanity -- then it is most definite that I am NOT the girl for you ...
However, I believe "that guy" is out there. Somewhere. And, until then, I will raise my children to the best of my ability, being both mother and father; doing my best with God's help to love my kids and give them the space to heal and grow into the magnificent people already inside of them.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I am a "Welfare" mom
How to address this issue ... As a result of my separation and divorce I have found myself in a precarious situation financially. I was not prepared to be the primary (financial) support for my family. In fact, much of my time was spent balancing my work/business with family obligations. In general the family obligations trumped work. It was an agreement I had with my partner at the time. Toward the end of our relationship, I was actually shouldering most, if not all, of the financial burden in additional to managing the household and tending to the children and their needs. Looking back, this was a breaking point for me. Again, without getting into too many details -- I was doing everything. It wasn't that I didn't ask for or want my partner's help ... in his brokenness he sabotaged even the simplest of family routines -- daily. (One reason why not being in daily relationship with him has actually made our lives somewhat easier.)
Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.
So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?
She looks like me.
I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.
During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.
One such comment is:
"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."
(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)
Other comments include:
"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."
To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.
I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.
I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.
And, finally:
"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"
And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.
And then, it all changed.
It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?
So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.
Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?
Absolutely.
I am a Welfare mom.
Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.
So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?
She looks like me.
I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.
During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.
One such comment is:
"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."
(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)
Other comments include:
"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."
To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.
I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.
I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.
And, finally:
"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"
And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.
And then, it all changed.
It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?
So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.
Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?
Absolutely.
I am a Welfare mom.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Defining me
Who am I?
I am;
Woman
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Divorced
Broken
Hurting
Tremendous
Overwhelming
Passionate
Compassionate
Teacher
Student
Single
I am all these things and more. I struggle so much with who I am. Divorce, hurt, betrayal, rejection - it all sucks. It hurts.
Who am I?
Friend
Lover
Healing
Hoping
Growing
Learning
Living
Loving
Who am I? What is my propose? What is my value? Why do I have to deal with such hurt? I don't know all the answers. I just know I'm where God wants me.
I don't understand - why I'm here, why I'm still hurting, why I have to struggle with my self-worth, believing in myself ...
Who am I?
I am the daughter of the most high King. I am beloved. I am loved without condition. I am His princess. My Father sees all my hurt, all my sadness, all my failures, my successes. In all of my questioning He is there. Always.
God is my rock.
No matter my circumstances; unemployed, divorced, hurting, healing, single, questioning, strong, weak - God will not abandon me.
Who am I?
I am beloved.
I am;
Woman
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Divorced
Broken
Hurting
Tremendous
Overwhelming
Passionate
Compassionate
Teacher
Student
Single
I am all these things and more. I struggle so much with who I am. Divorce, hurt, betrayal, rejection - it all sucks. It hurts.
Who am I?
Friend
Lover
Healing
Hoping
Growing
Learning
Living
Loving
Who am I? What is my propose? What is my value? Why do I have to deal with such hurt? I don't know all the answers. I just know I'm where God wants me.
I don't understand - why I'm here, why I'm still hurting, why I have to struggle with my self-worth, believing in myself ...
Who am I?
I am the daughter of the most high King. I am beloved. I am loved without condition. I am His princess. My Father sees all my hurt, all my sadness, all my failures, my successes. In all of my questioning He is there. Always.
God is my rock.
No matter my circumstances; unemployed, divorced, hurting, healing, single, questioning, strong, weak - God will not abandon me.
Who am I?
I am beloved.
Friday, July 13, 2012
On the edge ...
Well, folks, I will say that this isn't an unfamiliar place but I had worked so hard to find stability, safety and peace. And, suddenly I find myself without employment, in the middle of a drama similar to my own experience - finding I have to distance myself from - with a child acting out in aggression endangering others in day camp, feeling exhausted and just at the end ...
Have you ever found yourself in that place? That place you work so hard to avoid or deny exisits? You know what I'm talking about. That place at the end of yourself where you think you couldn't go another inch, another minute, or maybe even one more second longer?
I've been to that place. The place where you question everything. The place where you wonder aloud, "Can this really be where I'm at again???" The place where you have to ask, "Is this it?" and "Is this all there is?"
I worked SO HARD. SO VERY HARD. To heal. To hope. To protect. To be healthy. So. Very. Hard.
What have I learned from the past few years of leaving the life I was accustomed to? From surviving an unhealthy marriage? From going through extreme emotional difficulty?
I have learned;
Do I like how it feels? No.
Do I want to be "saved"? Maybe.
Is this the worst, scariest, most annoying, most traumatic, most awful place I've ever experienced? Close.
Is it pretty? No.
Can I do this?
YES.
Have you ever found yourself in that place? That place you work so hard to avoid or deny exisits? You know what I'm talking about. That place at the end of yourself where you think you couldn't go another inch, another minute, or maybe even one more second longer?
I've been to that place. The place where you question everything. The place where you wonder aloud, "Can this really be where I'm at again???" The place where you have to ask, "Is this it?" and "Is this all there is?"
I worked SO HARD. SO VERY HARD. To heal. To hope. To protect. To be healthy. So. Very. Hard.
What have I learned from the past few years of leaving the life I was accustomed to? From surviving an unhealthy marriage? From going through extreme emotional difficulty?
I have learned;
- I can do this.
- I can ask for help.
- I can take time out.
- I can choose to live in the moment.
- I can have joy.
- I can choose peace.
- I can not allow others free rent in my mental space.
Do I like how it feels? No.
Do I want to be "saved"? Maybe.
Is this the worst, scariest, most annoying, most traumatic, most awful place I've ever experienced? Close.
Is it pretty? No.
Can I do this?
YES.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
No longer in denial ...
..... Originally posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 .....
A lot has happened in just a short amount of time. Sometimes it's overwhelming. Others I wish we could just hurry up and get everything "done". Wow. I didn't even know life could get so hard.
Marriage was such a struggle. I worked so hard on my relationship but then to come to the realization there was no "relationship" to begin with because it was always just a game - a means to an end. I can't even really speak as to what he was playing at because what I do know is he really didn't care about me. Ever. Oh, well maybe in the way one keeps someone or something around because it makes us look or feel good about ourselves. But to realize I was NEVER in a true partnership with the one I chose to share my life with ... heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking ...
How to even begin to process this. I was and always have been a single mom. I am a single parent. I am single. I was single even when I was married. Wow. It's still overwhelming. I am right in the middle of it all and I can hardly believe it myself.
I am a single mom of four kids. I carry the load and responsibility for the five of us. I always have and I always did. I just didn't realize it. How could I have missed that? What was I thinking? Where were all my friends and family? How come we didn't notice?
Well, we didn't. Unlike the marriages that end mutually or with some agreement that the partners are not right for each other, mine ended with a threat to life and a new awareness that it was never even really "marriage". It was something like slavery I guess. As long as I did everything he expected (which he hardly ever told me what that was so I was being held accountable for things I did "wrong" when I wasn't even aware ...) everything was fine. Or so it seemed. I didn't know. I just didn't ...
I am a single mom. I have four children. How will we get through this crap? When will it be over? Will this fight ever end or will we be constantly on the look out for danger?
I don't know. I hope it will end soon. I know we will "make it" somehow, someway. I just don't know how.
Marriage was such a struggle. I worked so hard on my relationship but then to come to the realization there was no "relationship" to begin with because it was always just a game - a means to an end. I can't even really speak as to what he was playing at because what I do know is he really didn't care about me. Ever. Oh, well maybe in the way one keeps someone or something around because it makes us look or feel good about ourselves. But to realize I was NEVER in a true partnership with the one I chose to share my life with ... heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking ...
How to even begin to process this. I was and always have been a single mom. I am a single parent. I am single. I was single even when I was married. Wow. It's still overwhelming. I am right in the middle of it all and I can hardly believe it myself.
I am a single mom of four kids. I carry the load and responsibility for the five of us. I always have and I always did. I just didn't realize it. How could I have missed that? What was I thinking? Where were all my friends and family? How come we didn't notice?
Well, we didn't. Unlike the marriages that end mutually or with some agreement that the partners are not right for each other, mine ended with a threat to life and a new awareness that it was never even really "marriage". It was something like slavery I guess. As long as I did everything he expected (which he hardly ever told me what that was so I was being held accountable for things I did "wrong" when I wasn't even aware ...) everything was fine. Or so it seemed. I didn't know. I just didn't ...
I am a single mom. I have four children. How will we get through this crap? When will it be over? Will this fight ever end or will we be constantly on the look out for danger?
I don't know. I hope it will end soon. I know we will "make it" somehow, someway. I just don't know how.
Transformation: a Beautiful Dance or Messy Fall?
..... Originally posted on Monday, February 14, 2011 ......
This is it. The time where questioning sets in. This business of "transforming" has gone on long enough. I am tired of it. Actually, to be honest, I'm EXHAUSTED.
If you've experienced divorce (even the not quite so long and drawn out kind like mine) you may know what I'm talking about. If you've experienced any kind of "rock-your-world-question-everything-you-ever-believed" event in your life than you may also have an idea of what I'm talking about ...
The thing that no one ever mentions is just how MESSY the whole transformation is. Is it just that others are so much more "graceful" when they experience a season in life that challenges them? Why is it that I feel like I'm not doing it very well? Why is it I feel as if I'm failing? Why does it feel more like demolition than rebuilding?
Without going into too much detail (yes, I am learning the art of NOT oversharing ...) this past year and a half dealing with the legal and court system, counselors, concerns, advocates (some who, in my opinion, aren't very "advocatorial" if I can use that made up word), judges, betrayals, loss of dreams, grief, and emotional highs and lows has been a real challenge for me. And I thought I was tough!
What I am realizing is that this business of life is messy. Even under the best of circumstances. I will admit my kids have seen me at some pretty low moments in this transition. Realizing and recognizing the need for change begins with me has not been comforting. I don't want to change. I want the dream. I want happily ever after. Damnit! I feel robbed. Ripped off.
And then, I have to let go. I have to CHOOSE to let go. LET GO. Sometimes several times a day. Let go of the lies that held me back. The lies I told myself about how it "should" be. Lies about me. Lies I believed that were buried deep. So deep I didn't even know they were lies. Breaking down the lies. Forgiving myself. And then forgiving myself again. And again. Learning to forgive.
Sometimes I feel like it's "too messy" - that even acknowledging just how messy it is might somehow jinx me. It seems as if we are expected to have it together all the time. We put on our best face when others ask us how we're doing; like if I really get into the seriously messiness of it all no one will want to be around me. It's so big. So big and messy.
I know I will get through this. I look around and see that others have overcome situations so much harder and they made it. I will make it. We will make it.
But it's messy. This rebuilding. This rebirth.
That's it. Birth. Just like having a baby. The incredible joy that comes after pregnancy. Then labor. Pain and labor. And after laboring comes the birth. The miracle of birth. Birth that is messy. The mess from labor that results in unimaginable joy. The joy of bringing forth a new life. I am blessed with the miracle of four amazing children as a result of the pain of labor. I remind myself to continue to labor in this work of birthing (our family, myself, this new life) because it will produce UNIMAGINABLE JOY.
JOY.
I am clinging to the hope this pain we are experiencing will be used to help others. It will be used to help us. To save us. To save others. To point others to what has been my saving grace - the knowledge that the One who made me is still here in the middle of this mess. He is here loving me, holding me, accepting me, helping me, leading me and cheering me on.
Just when I think I can't go on, I am reminded to stop and take a breath and look ahead to the finish line. I'm not sure exactly how far away it is but I know it's there. I can see it now. I refuse to give up after coming this far. And so, I labor through another contraction, another messy situation, another screw up, another opportunity to get it right (unlike the last 10 times when I just blew it ...) I practice doing it better the next time. Growing, learning, transforming ...
This transformation I am sure will result in a glorious, more mature, less anxious version of me. A stronger me; a stronger, more connected family. But most days I feel as if I'm falling with just about as much grace as an elephant on ice skates.
It is my hope that God turns this fall, this mess, into a beautiful dance. A dance of life.
A dance that we can teach to others dealing with their own mess.
If you've experienced divorce (even the not quite so long and drawn out kind like mine) you may know what I'm talking about. If you've experienced any kind of "rock-your-world-question-everything-you-ever-believed" event in your life than you may also have an idea of what I'm talking about ...
The thing that no one ever mentions is just how MESSY the whole transformation is. Is it just that others are so much more "graceful" when they experience a season in life that challenges them? Why is it that I feel like I'm not doing it very well? Why is it I feel as if I'm failing? Why does it feel more like demolition than rebuilding?
Without going into too much detail (yes, I am learning the art of NOT oversharing ...) this past year and a half dealing with the legal and court system, counselors, concerns, advocates (some who, in my opinion, aren't very "advocatorial" if I can use that made up word), judges, betrayals, loss of dreams, grief, and emotional highs and lows has been a real challenge for me. And I thought I was tough!
What I am realizing is that this business of life is messy. Even under the best of circumstances. I will admit my kids have seen me at some pretty low moments in this transition. Realizing and recognizing the need for change begins with me has not been comforting. I don't want to change. I want the dream. I want happily ever after. Damnit! I feel robbed. Ripped off.
And then, I have to let go. I have to CHOOSE to let go. LET GO. Sometimes several times a day. Let go of the lies that held me back. The lies I told myself about how it "should" be. Lies about me. Lies I believed that were buried deep. So deep I didn't even know they were lies. Breaking down the lies. Forgiving myself. And then forgiving myself again. And again. Learning to forgive.
Sometimes I feel like it's "too messy" - that even acknowledging just how messy it is might somehow jinx me. It seems as if we are expected to have it together all the time. We put on our best face when others ask us how we're doing; like if I really get into the seriously messiness of it all no one will want to be around me. It's so big. So big and messy.
I know I will get through this. I look around and see that others have overcome situations so much harder and they made it. I will make it. We will make it.
But it's messy. This rebuilding. This rebirth.
That's it. Birth. Just like having a baby. The incredible joy that comes after pregnancy. Then labor. Pain and labor. And after laboring comes the birth. The miracle of birth. Birth that is messy. The mess from labor that results in unimaginable joy. The joy of bringing forth a new life. I am blessed with the miracle of four amazing children as a result of the pain of labor. I remind myself to continue to labor in this work of birthing (our family, myself, this new life) because it will produce UNIMAGINABLE JOY.
JOY.
I am clinging to the hope this pain we are experiencing will be used to help others. It will be used to help us. To save us. To save others. To point others to what has been my saving grace - the knowledge that the One who made me is still here in the middle of this mess. He is here loving me, holding me, accepting me, helping me, leading me and cheering me on.
Just when I think I can't go on, I am reminded to stop and take a breath and look ahead to the finish line. I'm not sure exactly how far away it is but I know it's there. I can see it now. I refuse to give up after coming this far. And so, I labor through another contraction, another messy situation, another screw up, another opportunity to get it right (unlike the last 10 times when I just blew it ...) I practice doing it better the next time. Growing, learning, transforming ...
This transformation I am sure will result in a glorious, more mature, less anxious version of me. A stronger me; a stronger, more connected family. But most days I feel as if I'm falling with just about as much grace as an elephant on ice skates.
It is my hope that God turns this fall, this mess, into a beautiful dance. A dance of life.
A dance that we can teach to others dealing with their own mess.
Resolutions?
..... Originally posted on Monday, January 3, 2011 .....
Well, here we are. Another year. A new year. A year for new.
Since my last post I have been thinking about choices.
You know. The things we do all day. Sometimes we put off choices until we gather more information. Sometimes we make them without thinking.
Today you have a choice.
If you find yourself in a difficult situation, one in which you have to make a choice; maybe a really big choice, take your time to make the right choice.
Even in the middle of the crazy, scary, anxiety producing act of leaving my husband I have worked hard to make right choices.
I am not saying you cannot process and grieve. Or make time for feeling and just being. But there is a time to CHOOSE.
You have the power to choose how you respond;
It's sometimes lonely. And scary. And the way seems hopeless.
Press on. Continue to make choices to be safe physically and emotionally. Continue to ask for and receive help. Continue to choose life. Every day.
We cannot help but accept the situation we find ourselves in. But we can change how we see our circumstance. Is it a challenge? Or is it a breaking point? Will you rise up and fly? Or will you flounder and fail? The choice is up to you.
In the midst of the storm we have to make choices. Choices we must make to continue to move forward toward healing.
What will you choose?
Since my last post I have been thinking about choices.
You know. The things we do all day. Sometimes we put off choices until we gather more information. Sometimes we make them without thinking.
Today you have a choice.
If you find yourself in a difficult situation, one in which you have to make a choice; maybe a really big choice, take your time to make the right choice.
Even in the middle of the crazy, scary, anxiety producing act of leaving my husband I have worked hard to make right choices.
I am not saying you cannot process and grieve. Or make time for feeling and just being. But there is a time to CHOOSE.
You have the power to choose how you respond;
- To the people around you who will criticize and condemn you
- To the friends who have or will betray you
- To your partner who hurt you
- To yourself
- To your family
- To your children
- To life
It's sometimes lonely. And scary. And the way seems hopeless.
Press on. Continue to make choices to be safe physically and emotionally. Continue to ask for and receive help. Continue to choose life. Every day.
We cannot help but accept the situation we find ourselves in. But we can change how we see our circumstance. Is it a challenge? Or is it a breaking point? Will you rise up and fly? Or will you flounder and fail? The choice is up to you.
In the midst of the storm we have to make choices. Choices we must make to continue to move forward toward healing.
What will you choose?
Random thoughts on recent events - getting up-to-date
..... Originally posted on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 .....
Hmmm ... well, I don't really even know where or how to start this current post. So many things have happened since my last post that I will do my best to highlight what has happened and then maybe go back and do fill you in in-depth later.
Highlight #1:
The reason my marriage didn't "work out" - yeah, his family has a history of family violence. I didn't know. This information was disclosed to me by my sister-in-law about 3 years ago. Things that didn't work in our relationship started to "click".
In Fall of 2009, after seeking help, talking, berating, working on "relationship" issues and seeking to understand how my husband would have been affected by witnessing and experiencing abuse as a child, I asked him for a separation.
His response?
Get a shotgun and barricade himself in the bedroom.
(Up to the point of our actual separation, he denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with our current problems. Yeah. Right.)
Now, I am leaving out some major details. Suffice it to say, this was the absolute SCARIEST, most TRAUMATIC moment in my life. I left. IMMEDIATELY. Police came. He was removed. The following Monday I filed a restraining order and began the process of separating myself from him; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and legally.
A lot has happened since that time. As I look back on that moment I am competely aware that not only was he threatening to take his own life but mine as well. I am thankful for God's grace in that moment and since.
I guess one reason I am back here blogging now is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation.
I am now (always was - just didn't realize it) a single mom with four kids. Yup. Four. And we are making it! You can too! More on that later ...
Highlight #2
The court system/family law SUCKS. If you think you will get satisfaction from the court system. You will not. Do not put your faith in "the system". The best you can do is educate yourself on how the system works and the profile of abusers.
Here are some recommended readings to help:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Refuge: A Pathway Out of Domestic Violence & Abuse
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
This is not at all a comprehensive list of books that may be helpful. There are dozens more. However, these three in particular are ones that have helped me develop a better understanding or my own situation and how to respond.
Highlight #3:
God is in the details.
Always.
How can I say that? Well, I will add more to the posts here as time goes on ... but let me just say my faith has grown by leaps and bounds during this time of crisis. My finances, my health, my children, and yes, even my *GASP* love life is very much of interest to God.
The most important thing I have learned in all of this is that God loves me. He cares about me. He is intimately concerned with EVERY detail of my life. He pursues me as a lover would his love interest. Aside from the beautiful jewels of my children that I get out of the ashes of my failed marriage, I have a new love. One who is ALWAYS by my side, who will NEVER leave me, one who is there for me and loves me just as I am.
He pursues me RELENTLESSLY.
If you find yourself in my position; staring at the ashes of your failed marriage, wondering what will happen to your children, where you will live, maybe even how you will have enough money to put food on the table...stop. Take your eyes off the things of this world and raise them up. Look up. Reach out to your Heavenly Father and press in. Hard.
He will NEVER let you down.
Highlight #1:
The reason my marriage didn't "work out" - yeah, his family has a history of family violence. I didn't know. This information was disclosed to me by my sister-in-law about 3 years ago. Things that didn't work in our relationship started to "click".
In Fall of 2009, after seeking help, talking, berating, working on "relationship" issues and seeking to understand how my husband would have been affected by witnessing and experiencing abuse as a child, I asked him for a separation.
His response?
Get a shotgun and barricade himself in the bedroom.
(Up to the point of our actual separation, he denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with our current problems. Yeah. Right.)
Now, I am leaving out some major details. Suffice it to say, this was the absolute SCARIEST, most TRAUMATIC moment in my life. I left. IMMEDIATELY. Police came. He was removed. The following Monday I filed a restraining order and began the process of separating myself from him; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and legally.
A lot has happened since that time. As I look back on that moment I am competely aware that not only was he threatening to take his own life but mine as well. I am thankful for God's grace in that moment and since.
I guess one reason I am back here blogging now is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation.
I am now (always was - just didn't realize it) a single mom with four kids. Yup. Four. And we are making it! You can too! More on that later ...
Highlight #2
The court system/family law SUCKS. If you think you will get satisfaction from the court system. You will not. Do not put your faith in "the system". The best you can do is educate yourself on how the system works and the profile of abusers.
Here are some recommended readings to help:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Refuge: A Pathway Out of Domestic Violence & Abuse
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
This is not at all a comprehensive list of books that may be helpful. There are dozens more. However, these three in particular are ones that have helped me develop a better understanding or my own situation and how to respond.
Highlight #3:
God is in the details.
Always.
How can I say that? Well, I will add more to the posts here as time goes on ... but let me just say my faith has grown by leaps and bounds during this time of crisis. My finances, my health, my children, and yes, even my *GASP* love life is very much of interest to God.
The most important thing I have learned in all of this is that God loves me. He cares about me. He is intimately concerned with EVERY detail of my life. He pursues me as a lover would his love interest. Aside from the beautiful jewels of my children that I get out of the ashes of my failed marriage, I have a new love. One who is ALWAYS by my side, who will NEVER leave me, one who is there for me and loves me just as I am.
He pursues me RELENTLESSLY.
If you find yourself in my position; staring at the ashes of your failed marriage, wondering what will happen to your children, where you will live, maybe even how you will have enough money to put food on the table...stop. Take your eyes off the things of this world and raise them up. Look up. Reach out to your Heavenly Father and press in. Hard.
He will NEVER let you down.
Update
..... Originally posted Monday, November 29, 2010 .....
So, it's been awhile since my last post...a lot of the same old same old. Still not having divorce final is a bit of a bummer as there is really nothing left to discuss. It's over. Done.
The kids had school conferences. Went out on a couple of dates. Work, school, chores. Life goes on.
Looking forward to the Holidays. Hanging out with the kids, getting some time away from the kids. Just, well, living.
Nothing major for today. Will come back with something a little more "sassy" maybe next time! :D
So, it's been awhile since my last post...a lot of the same old same old. Still not having divorce final is a bit of a bummer as there is really nothing left to discuss. It's over. Done.
The kids had school conferences. Went out on a couple of dates. Work, school, chores. Life goes on.
Looking forward to the Holidays. Hanging out with the kids, getting some time away from the kids. Just, well, living.
Nothing major for today. Will come back with something a little more "sassy" maybe next time! :D
Introduction to Storm of Grace
..... Originally posted on Thursday, October 21, 2010 .....
Why blog?
So, just about a year ago my marriage fell apart. It was actually falling apart for quite sometime as I've now processed the last 3 to 5 years or so of our relationship. In the last year there have been some incredibly difficult challenges, as well as, some incredible moments. This blog is so I can post all my funny stories re: transitioning to single parenthood, dating, divorce court, and kids stories. I may post some serious stories too; family violence, safety planning, how to run a background check on just about anyone ;) and more.
Stay tuned ... looking forward to "memorializing" my year(s) of transformation from wife and mother to friend and individual.
Stay tuned ... looking forward to "memorializing" my year(s) of transformation from wife and mother to friend and individual.
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