But ... he doesn't hit me ... [part two]

So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.


[Continued from But ... he doesn't hit me ... [part one]]

October 24, 2009. A day forever etched in my memory. Much like the birth of a child, wedding anniversary, holiday or other important event. Only this day wasn't a day for celebration. At least not in the traditional way. In a way it marks a day of freedom; freedom from confusion, freedom from toxicity, freedom from fear.

So, he didn't hit me. He was in the bedroom with the shotgun, door barricaded. I found myself asking, "What are you going to do?" At least I think I asked that. It's been awhile since I've thought about that day ... He made no reply.

At that point, I ran to the phone in the kitchen and dialed 9-1-1. I was hysterical. I calmed down enough to explain to the operator, "My husband is in the back bedroom with a shotgun. I don't know what he plans to do."

Operator: "Where is your husband now?"

Me: "In the bedroom with a shotgun."

Operator: "Where exactly in the house is he? Do you know what he's planning to do?"

Me: "He's in the back bedroom. No. I have four children under 10."

Operator: "Do you have a cell phone?"

Me: "Yes."

Operator: "Get your children, your cell phone and call me back when you're safely on the road."

Of course, in that moment there was fear, lots and lots of fear. To date, the experience I'm describing is the most fearful, terrifying moment I have ever experienced. If I ever had any doubt of my ability to react to a challenging situation it has been erased by the memory of this event.

I gathered up my children. I had my keys. My cell phone.

We left.

Reviewing the incident report several months later I became aware of some serious grace. First, from the moment I dialed 9-1-1 and the time I contacted the operator on the road again was between 4 and 5 minutes. Who buckles 4 children, 2 under the age of 2, into a vehicle and drives several miles in less than 5 minutes??? Miracle.

I'll be honest. It's hard to even think back to that day. It's almost easier to forget. To brush it off as a bad dream ... but it was real. It is real.

So, my ex never hit me with fists. But his "punches" with words and attitude where and are designed to destroy, attacking your very soul. In the 4 years since separating, I've felt like I've been on a roller coaster or a yo-yo of emotions. Anger, sadness, pity, grief, rage, joy. And around again. Currently, I have minimal (as little as possible) contact with my ex. I do struggle with the ongoing challenges of visitation and transition issues. The verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse continues with my children. I focus on helping us all get through this. The court issues are "final" - meaning, I believe that unless or until a recognized criminal abuse is perpetrated and charges filed, this is our "new normal" - breaking the chains of a legacy of family dysfunction and violence. The court system will not save us. The police will not save us. CPS will not save us.

I'm not a superhero. I just play one in real life.

Some days it feels like we are a "normal" family - whatever that is - the teasing, the loving, the bonding, being together, laughter, enjoying each other's company. Other days, I'm consciously aware of our brokenness. I recognize this is part of the grieving process. Part of accepting what is and letting go of how I thought  or think things should be. Most of the time, I feel like something's missing. I long for healthy partnership. For comfort. I feel like I'm not good enough. I worry I won't ever be good enough. I think about how maybe I could have done something different ...

But then I remember, I'm only responsible for my attitudes, actions, behavior, beliefs ... I tell my children I wish it were different. I make room for me, for us, for healing, for growth. I focus on healthy relationships, building community, asking for help, risking rejection.

And then I look at the beauty that is my family. The brokenness. The healing. The laughter. The screaming. The tears. The anger. The joy. The sadness.

The grace.

And, I cling to the belief, no to the knowledge, that what I am doing is worth it. It's worth every tear, every fear, every struggle, every hardship and challenge. For me. For them. For us.

I am worth it.

But ... he doesn't hit me ... [part one]

When I initially separated from my ex I didn't even realize I had been in an "abusive" or toxic relationship.

When the advocate went over the packet "Am I Abused?", all I remember thinking is, "But he doesn't *hit* me ..." In fact, I even told her this.

Now, however, I know even the "minor" physical assaults were serious (he minimized them of course, or blamed them on me -- "She was out of control. I had to restrain her for her safety.")

But, I was in a relationship that was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Just because s/he doesn't hit, doesn't mean there isn't abuse. And, here I am talking to both men AND women. Women are just as apt to abuse verbally and/or emotionally. In fact, I've met many divorced men who I would classify as having been in a dysfunctional controlling relationship with their now ex's ...

So, on October 24, 2009 - three years ago now - my entire world changed in an instant. Before I talk about what happened on that day, I need to give you some background; I met my (then) husband at our local Junior College. He was a bit of a bad boy. Musician. At the time, he seemed "strong but silent" (Now, I would say moody and insecure ... I digress.) At first he seemed attentive, said all the things I wanted to hear ... we quickly began to spend much of our time together. Very quickly, within a year of meeting and dating, we marry, move to another town to finish college. I get pregnant between year 2 and 3 of our marriage and give birth to our first son. Graduate college. Move back to my home town. Get a job(s). Have another child. Build a house. Get a Master's Degree. Start my own business. Have two more children (the count is now at 4 for those keeping track).

And, like things in life tend to be, there was good and bad during that second half of our marriage. Challenges and successes. In my professional life, my business was doing well. I was able to keep up with my growing family and do well in my work. It was extremely satisfying. He was working for a local school during this period. Things seemed to be happening according to schedule. The kids were growing, the house was purchased, jobs were going well ... or, so it seemed.

With the birth of my 3rd child, things began to change ... I can't pinpoint the exact moment but it seemed with only 2 kids I could still manage to get everything done. I was able to "keep on top of things". He was still working. Although his job wasn't terribly "demanding" you would think it took everything he had. There was very little help (read no help) with the day-to-day managing of the children or household. Unknowingly I had taken on more and more responsibilities with each addition to our family. And what was he doing? Well, that is a very good question.

Around this same time, my (then) sister-in-law came back into communication with our family. At around the time my 3rd child was 4 months old, she began to disclose to me their family history of violence, extreme physical violence in many cases, along with alcohol abuse. I won't traumatize you with details about the stories she shared. They were stuff you read about in the newspaper. It was appalling. I couldn't believe the kinds of situations she was describing. I had compassion on my husband. I expressed sorrow about his awful childhood experiences. His reply? "I don't remember," he claimed.

I started seeing a counselor. I was exhausted. By now I had 3 young children. As I reasonably expected the other adult - my partner, the person who was always quick to declare his love - to help, his mind games increased. He would be the first to leave the dinner table and not return to help clean. I was doing essentially all the management of the growing needs of 3 children, the household, and myself. When I would make an effort to connect with him by sitting down next to him at the end of the evening, he would get up and immediately leave the room. I was utterly confused. He complained we didn't spend time together. I resolved to spend more time with him, yet he would physically leave anytime I was even in the same room. When I confronted him about this he denied it happening. He pushed back and said I was imagining things. Etc. Etc. Etc. And on ...

I was also feeling more and more isolated. I focused on my business. My kids. Church. My family (which is also dysfunctional by the way, but that's a post for another day ...). It seemed with the information about the family violence in my husband's past, things in our relationship "clicked". I began to get help. I began to observe patterns. I started paying attention to his speech patterns. How he always seemed to have something negative to say. About everything. How he told me I was angry. I was sensitive. (Wait? Didn't he just say I was angry? How can you be angry and sensitive?). He denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with, well, he denied his childhood experiences.

But, for me, I was moving. Growing. Living. Getting information. At the height of our "relationship" difficulties, I became pregnant with my 4th child. Where does a pregnant mother of 3 go for help? How does it look to be suffering "relationship" difficulties when you are having his child?" I'll tell you. It doesn't look pretty. In fact, as I look back, my "partner" (ha! you have to suffer through my extensive use of "quotation marks" in this post!!), so, my "partner" didn't really do much to support me, help with the other children, or take any interest in my pregnancy. I simply chose to focus on myself. Staying healthy for my baby. Taking care of his brothers. Running my business. In essence, I absolutely ignored any marriage problems for that period of time. I couldn't deal with them.

Shortly after the birth of my 4th child with him, I realized I needed help. I was in individual counseling (he claimed I had post-partum depression). My counselor recommended marriage counseling. Well, the marriage counseling worked -- I'm no longer married. Nor am I miserable. Nothing changed. Our "relationship" didn't work. I could no longer keep up with only being a slave for my ex. I had four children who needed me. I needed me. I realize now that he didn't hit me because I would have left. Immediately. Instead, he played games. Denied. Minimized. Blamed. If that didn't work, he outright lied. He would name call. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I liked to fight. And much more.

So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.


To be continued ...

Open letter to "that guy" ...

Yup. Here it is ... you will now have to suffer through my ramblings on dating after divorce.

Of course, we all know dating can be fun (NOT) ... and filled with lovely experiences (a few). However, here is what I want "that guy" to know about me and my family.

First, if you have raised all your kids/stepkids/adopted kids/etc. and enjoy your life of peace and quiet. Please do not date me. It is most likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

Next, if you live in India, Morocco, Indonesia, Somalia, or perhaps even Canada or Mexico it's not likely that I will relocate more than a few hours from where I currently live. It is highly likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

And, if you are in a job that requires significant travel and/or time away from home - which leaves me feeling as if I am a single parent (which I am so why would I change that?). It is very likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

If you are easily offended by strong opinions, show of emotion, and/or brutal honesty, it is definitely likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.

In this house, are many toys.
It is loud.
There are fingerprints. Everywhere.
Things get messy.
We yell.
We cry.
We love.
The clothes don't always get folded or put away.
We hug.
We pray.
We laugh.
We are REAL.

So, if you have found that following your last relationship, you enjoy peace, quiet, neatness, sanity -- then it is most definite that I am NOT the girl for you ...

However, I believe "that guy" is out there. Somewhere. And, until then, I will raise my children to the best of my ability, being both mother and father; doing my best with God's help to love my kids and give them the space to heal and grow into the magnificent people already inside of them.

I am a "Welfare" mom

How to address this issue ... As a result of my separation and divorce I have found myself in a precarious situation financially. I was not prepared to be the primary (financial) support for my family. In fact, much of my time was spent balancing my work/business with family obligations. In general the family obligations trumped work. It was an agreement I had with my partner at the time. Toward the end of our relationship, I was actually shouldering most, if not all, of the financial burden in additional to managing the household and tending to the children and their needs. Looking back, this was a breaking point for me. Again, without getting into too many details -- I was doing everything. It wasn't that I didn't ask for or want my partner's help ... in his brokenness he sabotaged even the simplest of family routines -- daily. (One reason why not being in daily relationship with him has actually made our lives somewhat easier.)

Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.

So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?

She looks like me.

I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.

During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.

One such comment is:

"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."

(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)

Other comments include:

"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."

To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.

I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.

I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.

And, finally:

"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"

And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.

And then, it all changed.

It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?

So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.

Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?

Absolutely.

I am a Welfare mom.

Random thoughts on recent events - getting up-to-date

..... Originally posted on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 .....

Hmmm ... well, I don't really even know where or how to start this current post. So many things have happened since my last post that I will do my best to highlight what has happened and then maybe go back and do fill you in in-depth later.

Highlight #1:
The reason my marriage didn't "work out" - yeah, his family has a history of family violence. I didn't know. This information was disclosed to me by my sister-in-law about 3 years ago. Things that didn't work in our relationship started to "click".

In Fall of 2009, after seeking help, talking, berating, working on "relationship" issues and seeking to understand how my husband would have been affected by witnessing and experiencing abuse as a child, I asked him for a separation.

His response?

Get a shotgun and barricade himself in the bedroom.

(Up to the point of our actual separation, he denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with our current problems. Yeah. Right.)

Now, I am leaving out some major details. Suffice it to say, this was the absolute SCARIEST, most TRAUMATIC moment in my life. I left. IMMEDIATELY. Police came. He was removed. The following Monday I filed a restraining order and began the process of separating myself from him; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and legally.

A lot has happened since that time. As I look back on that moment I am competely aware that not only was he threatening to take his own life but mine as well. I am thankful for God's grace in that moment and since.

I guess one reason I am back here blogging now is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I am now (always was - just didn't realize it) a single mom with four kids. Yup. Four. And we are making it! You can too! More on that later ...

Highlight #2
The court system/family law SUCKS. If you think you will get satisfaction from the court system. You will not. Do not put your faith in "the system". The best you can do is educate yourself on how the system works and the profile of abusers.

Here are some recommended readings to help:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Refuge: A Pathway Out of Domestic Violence & Abuse
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
This is not at all a comprehensive list of books that may be helpful. There are dozens more. However, these three in particular are ones that have helped me develop a better understanding or my own situation and how to respond.

Highlight #3:
God is in the details.

Always.

How can I say that? Well, I will add more to the posts here as time goes on ... but let me just say my faith has grown by leaps and bounds during this time of crisis. My finances, my health, my children, and yes, even my *GASP* love life is very much of interest to God.

The most important thing I have learned in all of this is that God loves me. He cares about me. He is intimately concerned with EVERY detail of my life. He pursues me as a lover would his love interest. Aside from the beautiful jewels of my children that I get out of the ashes of my failed marriage, I have a new love. One who is ALWAYS by my side, who will NEVER leave me, one who is there for me and loves me just as I am.

He pursues me RELENTLESSLY.

If you find yourself in my position; staring at the ashes of your failed marriage, wondering what will happen to your children, where you will live, maybe even how you will have enough money to put food on the table...stop. Take your eyes off the things of this world and raise them up. Look up. Reach out to your Heavenly Father and press in. Hard.

He will NEVER let you down.