Grief.
It sneaks in - like a thief. Unwelcome. Unexpected.
All the hard work of healing, recovering, moving on; stops. The spinning begins again. It's as if everything is muted. Colors become dull. Thoughts are disconnected.
Anger wells up. Every fiber screams, "IT'S NOT FAIR!"
And it isn't. It isn't fair. It never was.
The moment washes over me, like a wave. Threatening to pull me under. Pulling and tugging at my heart ...
The grief fades. It has taken its toll. It will be back. Maybe this next time it won't be so great ...
Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transformation. Show all posts
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Grief
Somewhere in the middle of all the energy fighting to keep my kids safe, to get them the help and resources they need, somewhere in all of the living and surviving, I have had zero time to grieve.
I find lots of time to be angry, to shout in frustration at my kids, to let bitterness well up so much that I feel I'm being crushed under it's weight.
But sadness? Who has time for that? That's where the anger keeps me safe. Or, so I think. I think being angry will keep me safe. Safe from the hurt. Safe from the lost feeling. Safe from being frozen with inaction. Safe from the unknown.
All it really does is drive a wedge even further between my trauma and the trauma my kids have suffered. It steals my joy. Anger takes away from MOVING ON.
I can't say I know what to do with it. I have come to recognize many of the things that trigger my anger; fear, exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, financial stresses ... sadness.
Added to that fact that we experience ongoing trauma due to visitation and transition issues, it feels like the anger is always there. Festering. Waiting to rear it's head and EXPLODE.
My fear is it's too much. That no one can or will stay with us through all this difficulty. It's big. So big. Overwhelming ...
Slowly, the anger turns to tears. The sadness threatens to crush me. It's as if I can't breath. I'm drowning ... drowning in sorrow ...
I find lots of time to be angry, to shout in frustration at my kids, to let bitterness well up so much that I feel I'm being crushed under it's weight.
But sadness? Who has time for that? That's where the anger keeps me safe. Or, so I think. I think being angry will keep me safe. Safe from the hurt. Safe from the lost feeling. Safe from being frozen with inaction. Safe from the unknown.
All it really does is drive a wedge even further between my trauma and the trauma my kids have suffered. It steals my joy. Anger takes away from MOVING ON.
I can't say I know what to do with it. I have come to recognize many of the things that trigger my anger; fear, exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, financial stresses ... sadness.
Added to that fact that we experience ongoing trauma due to visitation and transition issues, it feels like the anger is always there. Festering. Waiting to rear it's head and EXPLODE.
My fear is it's too much. That no one can or will stay with us through all this difficulty. It's big. So big. Overwhelming ...
Slowly, the anger turns to tears. The sadness threatens to crush me. It's as if I can't breath. I'm drowning ... drowning in sorrow ...
Friday, February 15, 2013
But ... he doesn't hit me ... [part one]
When I initially separated from my ex I didn't even realize I had been in an "abusive" or toxic relationship.
When the advocate went over the packet "Am I Abused?", all I remember thinking is, "But he doesn't *hit* me ..." In fact, I even told her this.
Now, however, I know even the "minor" physical assaults were serious (he minimized them of course, or blamed them on me -- "She was out of control. I had to restrain her for her safety.")
But, I was in a relationship that was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Just because s/he doesn't hit, doesn't mean there isn't abuse. And, here I am talking to both men AND women. Women are just as apt to abuse verbally and/or emotionally. In fact, I've met many divorced men who I would classify as having been in a dysfunctional controlling relationship with their now ex's ...
So, on October 24, 2009 - three years ago now - my entire world changed in an instant. Before I talk about what happened on that day, I need to give you some background; I met my (then) husband at our local Junior College. He was a bit of a bad boy. Musician. At the time, he seemed "strong but silent" (Now, I would say moody and insecure ... I digress.) At first he seemed attentive, said all the things I wanted to hear ... we quickly began to spend much of our time together. Very quickly, within a year of meeting and dating, we marry, move to another town to finish college. I get pregnant between year 2 and 3 of our marriage and give birth to our first son. Graduate college. Move back to my home town. Get a job(s). Have another child. Build a house. Get a Master's Degree. Start my own business. Have two more children (the count is now at 4 for those keeping track).
And, like things in life tend to be, there was good and bad during that second half of our marriage. Challenges and successes. In my professional life, my business was doing well. I was able to keep up with my growing family and do well in my work. It was extremely satisfying. He was working for a local school during this period. Things seemed to be happening according to schedule. The kids were growing, the house was purchased, jobs were going well ... or, so it seemed.
With the birth of my 3rd child, things began to change ... I can't pinpoint the exact moment but it seemed with only 2 kids I could still manage to get everything done. I was able to "keep on top of things". He was still working. Although his job wasn't terribly "demanding" you would think it took everything he had. There was very little help (read no help) with the day-to-day managing of the children or household. Unknowingly I had taken on more and more responsibilities with each addition to our family. And what was he doing? Well, that is a very good question.
Around this same time, my (then) sister-in-law came back into communication with our family. At around the time my 3rd child was 4 months old, she began to disclose to me their family history of violence, extreme physical violence in many cases, along with alcohol abuse. I won't traumatize you with details about the stories she shared. They were stuff you read about in the newspaper. It was appalling. I couldn't believe the kinds of situations she was describing. I had compassion on my husband. I expressed sorrow about his awful childhood experiences. His reply? "I don't remember," he claimed.
I started seeing a counselor. I was exhausted. By now I had 3 young children. As I reasonably expected the other adult - my partner, the person who was always quick to declare his love - to help, his mind games increased. He would be the first to leave the dinner table and not return to help clean. I was doing essentially all the management of the growing needs of 3 children, the household, and myself. When I would make an effort to connect with him by sitting down next to him at the end of the evening, he would get up and immediately leave the room. I was utterly confused. He complained we didn't spend time together. I resolved to spend more time with him, yet he would physically leave anytime I was even in the same room. When I confronted him about this he denied it happening. He pushed back and said I was imagining things. Etc. Etc. Etc. And on ...
I was also feeling more and more isolated. I focused on my business. My kids. Church. My family (which is also dysfunctional by the way, but that's a post for another day ...). It seemed with the information about the family violence in my husband's past, things in our relationship "clicked". I began to get help. I began to observe patterns. I started paying attention to his speech patterns. How he always seemed to have something negative to say. About everything. How he told me I was angry. I was sensitive. (Wait? Didn't he just say I was angry? How can you be angry and sensitive?). He denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with, well, he denied his childhood experiences.
But, for me, I was moving. Growing. Living. Getting information. At the height of our "relationship" difficulties, I became pregnant with my 4th child. Where does a pregnant mother of 3 go for help? How does it look to be suffering "relationship" difficulties when you are having his child?" I'll tell you. It doesn't look pretty. In fact, as I look back, my "partner" (ha! you have to suffer through my extensive use of "quotation marks" in this post!!), so, my "partner" didn't really do much to support me, help with the other children, or take any interest in my pregnancy. I simply chose to focus on myself. Staying healthy for my baby. Taking care of his brothers. Running my business. In essence, I absolutely ignored any marriage problems for that period of time. I couldn't deal with them.
Shortly after the birth of my 4th child with him, I realized I needed help. I was in individual counseling (he claimed I had post-partum depression). My counselor recommended marriage counseling. Well, the marriage counseling worked -- I'm no longer married. Nor am I miserable. Nothing changed. Our "relationship" didn't work. I could no longer keep up with only being a slave for my ex. I had four children who needed me. I needed me. I realize now that he didn't hit me because I would have left. Immediately. Instead, he played games. Denied. Minimized. Blamed. If that didn't work, he outright lied. He would name call. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I liked to fight. And much more.
So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.
To be continued ...
When the advocate went over the packet "Am I Abused?", all I remember thinking is, "But he doesn't *hit* me ..." In fact, I even told her this.
Now, however, I know even the "minor" physical assaults were serious (he minimized them of course, or blamed them on me -- "She was out of control. I had to restrain her for her safety.")
But, I was in a relationship that was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Just because s/he doesn't hit, doesn't mean there isn't abuse. And, here I am talking to both men AND women. Women are just as apt to abuse verbally and/or emotionally. In fact, I've met many divorced men who I would classify as having been in a dysfunctional controlling relationship with their now ex's ...
So, on October 24, 2009 - three years ago now - my entire world changed in an instant. Before I talk about what happened on that day, I need to give you some background; I met my (then) husband at our local Junior College. He was a bit of a bad boy. Musician. At the time, he seemed "strong but silent" (Now, I would say moody and insecure ... I digress.) At first he seemed attentive, said all the things I wanted to hear ... we quickly began to spend much of our time together. Very quickly, within a year of meeting and dating, we marry, move to another town to finish college. I get pregnant between year 2 and 3 of our marriage and give birth to our first son. Graduate college. Move back to my home town. Get a job(s). Have another child. Build a house. Get a Master's Degree. Start my own business. Have two more children (the count is now at 4 for those keeping track).
And, like things in life tend to be, there was good and bad during that second half of our marriage. Challenges and successes. In my professional life, my business was doing well. I was able to keep up with my growing family and do well in my work. It was extremely satisfying. He was working for a local school during this period. Things seemed to be happening according to schedule. The kids were growing, the house was purchased, jobs were going well ... or, so it seemed.
With the birth of my 3rd child, things began to change ... I can't pinpoint the exact moment but it seemed with only 2 kids I could still manage to get everything done. I was able to "keep on top of things". He was still working. Although his job wasn't terribly "demanding" you would think it took everything he had. There was very little help (read no help) with the day-to-day managing of the children or household. Unknowingly I had taken on more and more responsibilities with each addition to our family. And what was he doing? Well, that is a very good question.
Around this same time, my (then) sister-in-law came back into communication with our family. At around the time my 3rd child was 4 months old, she began to disclose to me their family history of violence, extreme physical violence in many cases, along with alcohol abuse. I won't traumatize you with details about the stories she shared. They were stuff you read about in the newspaper. It was appalling. I couldn't believe the kinds of situations she was describing. I had compassion on my husband. I expressed sorrow about his awful childhood experiences. His reply? "I don't remember," he claimed.
I started seeing a counselor. I was exhausted. By now I had 3 young children. As I reasonably expected the other adult - my partner, the person who was always quick to declare his love - to help, his mind games increased. He would be the first to leave the dinner table and not return to help clean. I was doing essentially all the management of the growing needs of 3 children, the household, and myself. When I would make an effort to connect with him by sitting down next to him at the end of the evening, he would get up and immediately leave the room. I was utterly confused. He complained we didn't spend time together. I resolved to spend more time with him, yet he would physically leave anytime I was even in the same room. When I confronted him about this he denied it happening. He pushed back and said I was imagining things. Etc. Etc. Etc. And on ...
I was also feeling more and more isolated. I focused on my business. My kids. Church. My family (which is also dysfunctional by the way, but that's a post for another day ...). It seemed with the information about the family violence in my husband's past, things in our relationship "clicked". I began to get help. I began to observe patterns. I started paying attention to his speech patterns. How he always seemed to have something negative to say. About everything. How he told me I was angry. I was sensitive. (Wait? Didn't he just say I was angry? How can you be angry and sensitive?). He denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with, well, he denied his childhood experiences.
But, for me, I was moving. Growing. Living. Getting information. At the height of our "relationship" difficulties, I became pregnant with my 4th child. Where does a pregnant mother of 3 go for help? How does it look to be suffering "relationship" difficulties when you are having his child?" I'll tell you. It doesn't look pretty. In fact, as I look back, my "partner" (ha! you have to suffer through my extensive use of "quotation marks" in this post!!), so, my "partner" didn't really do much to support me, help with the other children, or take any interest in my pregnancy. I simply chose to focus on myself. Staying healthy for my baby. Taking care of his brothers. Running my business. In essence, I absolutely ignored any marriage problems for that period of time. I couldn't deal with them.
Shortly after the birth of my 4th child with him, I realized I needed help. I was in individual counseling (he claimed I had post-partum depression). My counselor recommended marriage counseling. Well, the marriage counseling worked -- I'm no longer married. Nor am I miserable. Nothing changed. Our "relationship" didn't work. I could no longer keep up with only being a slave for my ex. I had four children who needed me. I needed me. I realize now that he didn't hit me because I would have left. Immediately. Instead, he played games. Denied. Minimized. Blamed. If that didn't work, he outright lied. He would name call. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I liked to fight. And much more.
So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.
To be continued ...
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Signs
We've all seen them.
You know.
The person standing on the street corner holding signs.
The ones we pass judgment on without even knowing their story.
Yeah.
"Those" people.
Today I was out preparing for my oldest's birthday. As I was driving to various stores looking for a "blizzard" style ice cream cake I noticed a guy. With a sign.
It read - "FAMILY OF 4. ANYTHING HELPS, GOD BLESS"
This was the second time I had seen him that day.
The first time I was moved with compassion but since I generally don't carry cash I went on my way dragging my three year old to the next stop.
The next time I saw him I had realized I did have cash on me. For whatever reason earlier in the week my debit card PIN was rejected. My card was locked and I had gone into the bank (again, something I rarely do) to get cash to buy gas and a little extra until the PIN issue was resolved. So, I happened to still have a $20 bill that I had overlooked earlier.
The second time I saw him I decided to go up and talk. To find out his story.
"I'm Susan. What's your name?" I asked.
"Dylan," he replied.
"Are you looking for work?" I inquired.
"We just came up from Oregon," he said, "I'm trying to find whatever I can."
We talked some more. He told me about his wife and two kids; a boy and a girl. He shared some family challenges - history of alcoholism in wife's family, they had left Oregon due to mother-in-law not being in recovery as she had let on, etc. Our conversation maybe lasted 4 or 5 minutes. I asked if he had help in the area and he told me he was attending a local church. It was daytime, cars were passing by, lots of people coming and going, so I felt comfortable talking.
I moved closer and asked Dylan, "What do you need?"
He replied, "I need $9 to pay rent today."
I pulled out the $20 and said, "Here. You're done for today."
He seemed relieved, genuinely relieved. I actually sensed his relief. It was as if a huge weight was lifted.
I can't imagine ... the stress of not being able to provide for your family, your children, yourself.
Actually, I can.
I have had to face struggles during my divorce that I never experienced before. Questions like, What do I do about bills I can't pay? How do I keep my kids safe? What if I can't do it? And on ...
So, I guess what I think is ... we don't always know "everything".
What does YOUR sign say?
You know.
The person standing on the street corner holding signs.
The ones we pass judgment on without even knowing their story.
Yeah.
"Those" people.
Today I was out preparing for my oldest's birthday. As I was driving to various stores looking for a "blizzard" style ice cream cake I noticed a guy. With a sign.
It read - "FAMILY OF 4. ANYTHING HELPS, GOD BLESS"
This was the second time I had seen him that day.
The first time I was moved with compassion but since I generally don't carry cash I went on my way dragging my three year old to the next stop.
The next time I saw him I had realized I did have cash on me. For whatever reason earlier in the week my debit card PIN was rejected. My card was locked and I had gone into the bank (again, something I rarely do) to get cash to buy gas and a little extra until the PIN issue was resolved. So, I happened to still have a $20 bill that I had overlooked earlier.
The second time I saw him I decided to go up and talk. To find out his story.
"I'm Susan. What's your name?" I asked.
"Dylan," he replied.
"Are you looking for work?" I inquired.
"We just came up from Oregon," he said, "I'm trying to find whatever I can."
We talked some more. He told me about his wife and two kids; a boy and a girl. He shared some family challenges - history of alcoholism in wife's family, they had left Oregon due to mother-in-law not being in recovery as she had let on, etc. Our conversation maybe lasted 4 or 5 minutes. I asked if he had help in the area and he told me he was attending a local church. It was daytime, cars were passing by, lots of people coming and going, so I felt comfortable talking.
I moved closer and asked Dylan, "What do you need?"
He replied, "I need $9 to pay rent today."
I pulled out the $20 and said, "Here. You're done for today."
He seemed relieved, genuinely relieved. I actually sensed his relief. It was as if a huge weight was lifted.
I can't imagine ... the stress of not being able to provide for your family, your children, yourself.
Actually, I can.
I have had to face struggles during my divorce that I never experienced before. Questions like, What do I do about bills I can't pay? How do I keep my kids safe? What if I can't do it? And on ...
So, I guess what I think is ... we don't always know "everything".
What does YOUR sign say?
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Open letter to "that guy" ...
Yup. Here it is ... you will now have to suffer through my ramblings on dating after divorce.
Of course, we all know dating can be fun (NOT) ... and filled with lovely experiences (a few). However, here is what I want "that guy" to know about me and my family.
First, if you have raised all your kids/stepkids/adopted kids/etc. and enjoy your life of peace and quiet. Please do not date me. It is most likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
Next, if you live in India, Morocco, Indonesia, Somalia, or perhaps even Canada or Mexico it's not likely that I will relocate more than a few hours from where I currently live. It is highly likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
And, if you are in a job that requires significant travel and/or time away from home - which leaves me feeling as if I am a single parent (which I am so why would I change that?). It is very likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
If you are easily offended by strong opinions, show of emotion, and/or brutal honesty, it is definitely likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
In this house, are many toys.
It is loud.
There are fingerprints. Everywhere.
Things get messy.
We yell.
We cry.
We love.
The clothes don't always get folded or put away.
We hug.
We pray.
We laugh.
We are REAL.
So, if you have found that following your last relationship, you enjoy peace, quiet, neatness, sanity -- then it is most definite that I am NOT the girl for you ...
However, I believe "that guy" is out there. Somewhere. And, until then, I will raise my children to the best of my ability, being both mother and father; doing my best with God's help to love my kids and give them the space to heal and grow into the magnificent people already inside of them.
Of course, we all know dating can be fun (NOT) ... and filled with lovely experiences (a few). However, here is what I want "that guy" to know about me and my family.
First, if you have raised all your kids/stepkids/adopted kids/etc. and enjoy your life of peace and quiet. Please do not date me. It is most likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
Next, if you live in India, Morocco, Indonesia, Somalia, or perhaps even Canada or Mexico it's not likely that I will relocate more than a few hours from where I currently live. It is highly likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
And, if you are in a job that requires significant travel and/or time away from home - which leaves me feeling as if I am a single parent (which I am so why would I change that?). It is very likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
If you are easily offended by strong opinions, show of emotion, and/or brutal honesty, it is definitely likely I AM NOT THE GIRL FOR YOU.
In this house, are many toys.
It is loud.
There are fingerprints. Everywhere.
Things get messy.
We yell.
We cry.
We love.
The clothes don't always get folded or put away.
We hug.
We pray.
We laugh.
We are REAL.
So, if you have found that following your last relationship, you enjoy peace, quiet, neatness, sanity -- then it is most definite that I am NOT the girl for you ...
However, I believe "that guy" is out there. Somewhere. And, until then, I will raise my children to the best of my ability, being both mother and father; doing my best with God's help to love my kids and give them the space to heal and grow into the magnificent people already inside of them.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Letting go ...
Letting go.
It's hard.
Letting go of the past. Moving on.
Letting go of expectations;
Letting go of guilt.
Am I stuck? Am I learning to let go?
I don't think so ... I think I am letting go.
Wrestling with anxiety. Wrestling with doubt. Wrestling insecurity. Wrestling against settling for what's "safe".
For me, my most difficult struggle is learning to let go.
Losing relationships. Losing security. Leaving unhealthy situations. Taking responsibility for my attitudes, actions, and behaviors.
Letting go of a lifetime of poor boundaries.
Letting go ...
... is hard.
- of myself
- my children
- my ex
- my family & friends
- my future
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I am a "Welfare" mom
How to address this issue ... As a result of my separation and divorce I have found myself in a precarious situation financially. I was not prepared to be the primary (financial) support for my family. In fact, much of my time was spent balancing my work/business with family obligations. In general the family obligations trumped work. It was an agreement I had with my partner at the time. Toward the end of our relationship, I was actually shouldering most, if not all, of the financial burden in additional to managing the household and tending to the children and their needs. Looking back, this was a breaking point for me. Again, without getting into too many details -- I was doing everything. It wasn't that I didn't ask for or want my partner's help ... in his brokenness he sabotaged even the simplest of family routines -- daily. (One reason why not being in daily relationship with him has actually made our lives somewhat easier.)
Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.
So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?
She looks like me.
I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.
During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.
One such comment is:
"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."
(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)
Other comments include:
"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."
To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.
I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.
I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.
And, finally:
"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"
And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.
And then, it all changed.
It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?
So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.
Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?
Absolutely.
I am a Welfare mom.
Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.
So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?
She looks like me.
I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.
During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.
One such comment is:
"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."
(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)
Other comments include:
"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."
To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.
I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.
I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.
And, finally:
"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"
And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.
And then, it all changed.
It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?
So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.
Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?
Absolutely.
I am a Welfare mom.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Defining me
Who am I?
I am;
Woman
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Divorced
Broken
Hurting
Tremendous
Overwhelming
Passionate
Compassionate
Teacher
Student
Single
I am all these things and more. I struggle so much with who I am. Divorce, hurt, betrayal, rejection - it all sucks. It hurts.
Who am I?
Friend
Lover
Healing
Hoping
Growing
Learning
Living
Loving
Who am I? What is my propose? What is my value? Why do I have to deal with such hurt? I don't know all the answers. I just know I'm where God wants me.
I don't understand - why I'm here, why I'm still hurting, why I have to struggle with my self-worth, believing in myself ...
Who am I?
I am the daughter of the most high King. I am beloved. I am loved without condition. I am His princess. My Father sees all my hurt, all my sadness, all my failures, my successes. In all of my questioning He is there. Always.
God is my rock.
No matter my circumstances; unemployed, divorced, hurting, healing, single, questioning, strong, weak - God will not abandon me.
Who am I?
I am beloved.
I am;
Woman
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Divorced
Broken
Hurting
Tremendous
Overwhelming
Passionate
Compassionate
Teacher
Student
Single
I am all these things and more. I struggle so much with who I am. Divorce, hurt, betrayal, rejection - it all sucks. It hurts.
Who am I?
Friend
Lover
Healing
Hoping
Growing
Learning
Living
Loving
Who am I? What is my propose? What is my value? Why do I have to deal with such hurt? I don't know all the answers. I just know I'm where God wants me.
I don't understand - why I'm here, why I'm still hurting, why I have to struggle with my self-worth, believing in myself ...
Who am I?
I am the daughter of the most high King. I am beloved. I am loved without condition. I am His princess. My Father sees all my hurt, all my sadness, all my failures, my successes. In all of my questioning He is there. Always.
God is my rock.
No matter my circumstances; unemployed, divorced, hurting, healing, single, questioning, strong, weak - God will not abandon me.
Who am I?
I am beloved.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The healing journey
Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide ...
http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mercyme/songs/the-hurt-the-healer-lyrics.aspx
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide ...
http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mercyme/songs/the-hurt-the-healer-lyrics.aspx
So, healing. What is it? How do you do it? Can you make it happen faster?
Hmmm. For me, healing from a history of unhealthy relationships and learning healthy boundaries has been a definite process. A process that takes TIME.
(Does 35+ years sound like a long time???)
How much time? I can't say. I have to say I have come SO FAR since leaving an extremely unhealthy relationship (marriage). I know I still have a long, long way to go in my journey and also realize that some of the struggles I have today will continue to creep up as I continue my journey toward health and wholeness. Oh, maybe I won't be quite so "psycho banshee" when triggered by difficult circumstances (yes, I have a tendency to externalize ... it isn't always pretty). But, I am so thankful that God has allowed me to heal and continues to stand by and provide while I work on my, ehm, er, "issues".
(Does 35+ years sound like a long time???)
How much time? I can't say. I have to say I have come SO FAR since leaving an extremely unhealthy relationship (marriage). I know I still have a long, long way to go in my journey and also realize that some of the struggles I have today will continue to creep up as I continue my journey toward health and wholeness. Oh, maybe I won't be quite so "psycho banshee" when triggered by difficult circumstances (yes, I have a tendency to externalize ... it isn't always pretty). But, I am so thankful that God has allowed me to heal and continues to stand by and provide while I work on my, ehm, er, "issues".
One thing I have learned (or, maybe am still learning - yeah, still learning) is not to take things personally. I grew up in an environment in which every little criticism I took personally. "Someone" did "something" and suddenly I was defending myself. I am learning to let go of this defensiveness. I am learning to take responsibility for MY feelings, MY attititudes, MY actions and MY behavior.
So, how did I manage to get so healthy and so suddenly?? Ha ha ha ... no, really. I have discovered I am a raging recovering codependent. What does that mean? It means sometimes I try to rescue other people. And sometimes I want others to rescue me. It's really just niceness taken to an unhealthy, really poor boundaries kinda place. It is work. Hard work.
And, just when you think you are done and have worked on all you possibly can, there's more W-O-R-K. Yup. Work.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Good news
So I have some good news. It doesn't involve a new job. Or lottery winnings. Or even that things have significantly changed in the past few days. I will say I have been on the edge. But, the good news? Are you ready? The good news is I'm still holding it together. I have been in the raw place of not knowing how I was going to provide for my family, of questioning everything I ever believed. But, we are here. We have made it through the day. We are getting help. We are healing. We are getting better. We are together. And, one day - soon - our family will be restored.
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