Reflections: 20 Year Reunion ...

Wow. Twenty years. Twenty years have passed since I graduated high school. Twenty short years. Or, maybe they have been long. The past 5 years have definitely been some of the most difficult of my life ...

As I look forward (still debating on attending ...) to my 20 year high school reunion I can't help but reflect on the past 20 years. Many good. Many memorable. Tough times. Trying times. Joyful times. And, our share of hard times. Some very, very hard.

Twenty years. Two decades representing my entire adult life. In that 20 years, I graduated high school, went to college, gave birth, graduated college, secured employment in my field, gave birth to a second son, went to grad school, started my own business, bought a home, finished grad school, gave birth to a third son, continued building my business, then gave birth to a fourth son. I have given birth to 4 amazing boys. FOUR. Yup. Amazing.

Also during the past two decades, I struggled. Relationships struggles. Big struggles. Ongoing struggles.In 2007 I was informed of (then) husband's family history of extreme violence; alcoholism, abuse, instability, mental health issues. Lies. Lots and lots of lies. The man I was married to was not who he portrayed himself to be.

In 2009, due to a traumatic incident (see "But ... he doesn't hit me"), I filed a restraining order and began the process of legal separation/divorce. It was/is brutal. Not only does this year mark 20 years since high school graduation, I also celebrate the 5th year of my separation/divorce.

Twenty years ago I was a high school senior with plans. What plans? Plans to go to college and become a teacher. So that's what I did. I went to college. I became a teacher. I taught briefly after graduating college and then decided to stay home with my son and worked part time. I don't regret for one moment making my family a priority. Not one. However, due to being out of my profession for 8 or so years while raising a family, I am now at a cross-roads. My options in the education world are; substitute teach or work as a para educator. Options are limited.

Finding work outside of education is absolutely a possibility. This is the question I get at nearly every interview;

"If your background is in education, why don't you just go back to teaching?"

And, thus my dilemma ... Lots of education. Little work experience (outside of running my own business). The other issue I personally struggle with is this - I love teaching. I'm good at it. I had my dream job running my own tutoring business. Earning an income AND having fun doing it. I was good at it. However, due to ongoing family issues; including mental health, self-harm, and ongoing behavioral and emotional concerns with all of the children I decided to close my business and focus on family.

Twenty years ...

But ... he doesn't hit me ... [part one]

When I initially separated from my ex I didn't even realize I had been in an "abusive" or toxic relationship.

When the advocate went over the packet "Am I Abused?", all I remember thinking is, "But he doesn't *hit* me ..." In fact, I even told her this.

Now, however, I know even the "minor" physical assaults were serious (he minimized them of course, or blamed them on me -- "She was out of control. I had to restrain her for her safety.")

But, I was in a relationship that was primarily emotionally and psychologically abusive and manipulative. Just because s/he doesn't hit, doesn't mean there isn't abuse. And, here I am talking to both men AND women. Women are just as apt to abuse verbally and/or emotionally. In fact, I've met many divorced men who I would classify as having been in a dysfunctional controlling relationship with their now ex's ...

So, on October 24, 2009 - three years ago now - my entire world changed in an instant. Before I talk about what happened on that day, I need to give you some background; I met my (then) husband at our local Junior College. He was a bit of a bad boy. Musician. At the time, he seemed "strong but silent" (Now, I would say moody and insecure ... I digress.) At first he seemed attentive, said all the things I wanted to hear ... we quickly began to spend much of our time together. Very quickly, within a year of meeting and dating, we marry, move to another town to finish college. I get pregnant between year 2 and 3 of our marriage and give birth to our first son. Graduate college. Move back to my home town. Get a job(s). Have another child. Build a house. Get a Master's Degree. Start my own business. Have two more children (the count is now at 4 for those keeping track).

And, like things in life tend to be, there was good and bad during that second half of our marriage. Challenges and successes. In my professional life, my business was doing well. I was able to keep up with my growing family and do well in my work. It was extremely satisfying. He was working for a local school during this period. Things seemed to be happening according to schedule. The kids were growing, the house was purchased, jobs were going well ... or, so it seemed.

With the birth of my 3rd child, things began to change ... I can't pinpoint the exact moment but it seemed with only 2 kids I could still manage to get everything done. I was able to "keep on top of things". He was still working. Although his job wasn't terribly "demanding" you would think it took everything he had. There was very little help (read no help) with the day-to-day managing of the children or household. Unknowingly I had taken on more and more responsibilities with each addition to our family. And what was he doing? Well, that is a very good question.

Around this same time, my (then) sister-in-law came back into communication with our family. At around the time my 3rd child was 4 months old, she began to disclose to me their family history of violence, extreme physical violence in many cases, along with alcohol abuse. I won't traumatize you with details about the stories she shared. They were stuff you read about in the newspaper. It was appalling. I couldn't believe the kinds of situations she was describing. I had compassion on my husband. I expressed sorrow about his awful childhood experiences. His reply? "I don't remember," he claimed.

I started seeing a counselor. I was exhausted. By now I had 3 young children. As I reasonably expected the other adult - my partner, the person who was always quick to declare his love - to help, his mind games increased. He would be the first to leave the dinner table and not return to help clean. I was doing essentially all the management of the growing needs of 3 children, the household, and myself. When I would make an effort to connect with him by sitting down next to him at the end of the evening, he would get up and immediately leave the room. I was utterly confused. He complained we didn't spend time together. I resolved to spend more time with him, yet he would physically leave anytime I was even in the same room. When I confronted him about this he denied it happening. He pushed back and said I was imagining things. Etc. Etc. Etc. And on ...

I was also feeling more and more isolated. I focused on my business. My kids. Church. My family (which is also dysfunctional by the way, but that's a post for another day ...). It seemed with the information about the family violence in my husband's past, things in our relationship "clicked". I began to get help. I began to observe patterns. I started paying attention to his speech patterns. How he always seemed to have something negative to say. About everything. How he told me I was angry. I was sensitive. (Wait? Didn't he just say I was angry? How can you be angry and sensitive?). He denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with, well, he denied his childhood experiences.

But, for me, I was moving. Growing. Living. Getting information. At the height of our "relationship" difficulties, I became pregnant with my 4th child. Where does a pregnant mother of 3 go for help? How does it look to be suffering "relationship" difficulties when you are having his child?" I'll tell you. It doesn't look pretty. In fact, as I look back, my "partner" (ha! you have to suffer through my extensive use of "quotation marks" in this post!!), so, my "partner" didn't really do much to support me, help with the other children, or take any interest in my pregnancy. I simply chose to focus on myself. Staying healthy for my baby. Taking care of his brothers. Running my business. In essence, I absolutely ignored any marriage problems for that period of time. I couldn't deal with them.

Shortly after the birth of my 4th child with him, I realized I needed help. I was in individual counseling (he claimed I had post-partum depression). My counselor recommended marriage counseling. Well, the marriage counseling worked -- I'm no longer married. Nor am I miserable. Nothing changed. Our "relationship" didn't work. I could no longer keep up with only being a slave for my ex. I had four children who needed me. I needed me. I realize now that he didn't hit me because I would have left. Immediately. Instead, he played games. Denied. Minimized. Blamed. If that didn't work, he outright lied. He would name call. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me I liked to fight. And much more.

So on October 24, 2009 I asked him for a separation. His reply was to barricade himself in the back bedroom with a shotgun. But ... he never hit me.


To be continued ...

The healing journey

Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide ...

http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mercyme/songs/the-hurt-the-healer-lyrics.aspx

So, healing. What is it? How do you do it? Can you make it happen faster?

Hmmm. For me, healing from a history of unhealthy relationships and learning healthy boundaries has been a definite process. A process that takes TIME.

(Does 35+ years sound like a long time???)

How much time? I can't say. I have to say I have come SO FAR since leaving an extremely unhealthy relationship (marriage). I know I still have a long, long way to go in my journey and also realize that some of the struggles I have today will continue to creep up as I continue my journey toward health and wholeness. Oh, maybe I won't be quite so "psycho banshee" when triggered by difficult circumstances (yes, I have a tendency to externalize ... it isn't always pretty). But, I am so thankful that God has allowed me to heal and continues to stand by and provide while I work on my, ehm, er, "issues".

One thing I have learned (or, maybe am still learning - yeah, still learning) is not to take things personally. I grew up in an environment in which every little criticism I took personally. "Someone" did "something" and suddenly I was defending myself. I am learning to let go of this defensiveness. I am learning to take responsibility for MY feelings, MY attititudes, MY actions and MY behavior.

So, how did I manage to get so healthy and so suddenly?? Ha ha ha ... no, really. I have discovered I am a raging recovering codependent. What does that mean? It means sometimes I try to rescue other people. And sometimes I want others to rescue me. It's really just niceness taken to an unhealthy, really poor boundaries kinda place. It is work. Hard work.

And, just when you think you are done and have worked on all you possibly can, there's more W-O-R-K. Yup. Work.

Good news

So I have some good news. It doesn't involve a new job. Or lottery winnings. Or even that things have significantly changed in the past few days. I will say I have been on the edge. But, the good news? Are you ready? The good news is I'm still holding it together. I have been in the raw place of not knowing how I was going to provide for my family, of questioning everything I ever believed. But, we are here. We have made it through the day. We are getting help. We are healing. We are getting better. We are together. And, one day - soon - our family will be restored.

On the edge ...

Well, folks, I will say that this isn't an unfamiliar place but I had worked so hard to find stability, safety and peace. And, suddenly I find myself without employment, in the middle of a drama similar to my own experience - finding I have to distance myself from - with a child acting out in aggression endangering others in day camp, feeling exhausted and just at the end ...

Have you ever found yourself in that place? That place you work so hard to avoid or deny exisits? You know what I'm talking about. That place at the end of yourself where you think you couldn't go another inch, another minute, or maybe even one more second longer?

I've been to that place. The place where you question everything. The place where you wonder aloud, "Can this really be where I'm at again???" The place where you have to ask, "Is this it?" and "Is this all there is?"

I worked SO HARD. SO VERY HARD. To heal. To hope. To protect. To be healthy. So. Very. Hard.

What have I learned from the past few years of leaving the life I was accustomed to? From surviving an unhealthy marriage? From going through extreme emotional difficulty?

I have learned;

• I can do this.
• I can ask for help.
• I can take time out.
• I can choose to live in the moment.
• I can have joy.
• I can choose peace.
• I can not allow others free rent in my mental space.

That's right. I can. I can do this.

Do I like how it feels? No.

Do I want to be "saved"? Maybe.

Is this the worst, scariest, most annoying, most traumatic, most awful place I've ever experienced? Close.

Is it pretty? No.

Can I do this?

YES.

Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Your True Image ...

..... Originally posted on Wednesday, January 19, 2011 .....

 

So I have been ruminating about a bazillion (that's a lot) of things to blog lately. I'm still mulling over all kinds of things I want to get out but this is one that struck me as I go through this trial. I have really struggled with my image and the way God sees me. Also, I have struggle with loving myself and believing myself to be worthy of God's best for me in my life.

This is actually an excerpt from a fabulous book titled Who Calls Me Beautiful? Finding Our True Image in the Mirror of God;

Before the beginning of time, I knew you*. I knew what color your eyes would be, and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried the image of you in My eyes, for you were created in My image. Before the beginning time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens, and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart.

You are mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are My pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of My hand. I love you, even in the face of your failure. NOTHING you can say or do can cause Me to stop loving you. I am RELENTLESS in my pursuit of you. Run from Me -- I will love you. Spurn me -- I will love you. Reject yourself -- I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary.

When I see every part of who you are, I marvel at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful, and I take pleasure in you -- heart, mind, and body. You are My desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, still I reach for you with GENTLE passion.

You are My beloved and I am yours.

Love,
God

(adapted from 1 John 3:2; Isaiah 43:1; Matthew 13:46; Ephesians 1:4; Revelation 13:8; Psalm 194:4; Song of Solomon 7:10; 6:3)

* [remove "you" and replace with your name - God is speaking to "you"] :)

Resolutions?

..... Originally posted on Monday, January 3, 2011 .....

 

Well, here we are. Another year. A new year. A year for new.

Since my last post I have been thinking about choices.

You know. The things we do all day. Sometimes we put off choices until we gather more information. Sometimes we make them without thinking.

Today you have a choice.

If you find yourself in a difficult situation, one in which you have to make a choice; maybe a really big choice, take your time to make the right choice.

Even in the middle of the crazy, scary, anxiety producing act of leaving my husband I have worked hard to make right choices.

I am not saying you cannot process and grieve. Or make time for feeling and just being. But there is a time to CHOOSE.

You have the power to choose how you respond;

• To the people around you who will criticize and condemn you
• To the friends who have or will betray you
• To your partner who hurt you
• To yourself
• To your family
• To your children
• To life

I am not saying it is easy. Or without pain. Or fun.

It's sometimes lonely. And scary. And the way seems hopeless.

Press on. Continue to make choices to be safe physically and emotionally. Continue to ask for and receive help. Continue to choose life. Every day.

We cannot help but accept the situation we find ourselves in. But we can change how we see our circumstance. Is it a challenge? Or is it a breaking point? Will you rise up and fly? Or will you flounder and fail? The choice is up to you.

In the midst of the storm we have to make choices. Choices we must make to continue to move forward toward healing.

What will you choose?

Random thoughts on recent events - getting up-to-date

..... Originally posted on Tuesday, December 28, 2010 .....

Hmmm ... well, I don't really even know where or how to start this current post. So many things have happened since my last post that I will do my best to highlight what has happened and then maybe go back and do fill you in in-depth later.

Highlight #1:
The reason my marriage didn't "work out" - yeah, his family has a history of family violence. I didn't know. This information was disclosed to me by my sister-in-law about 3 years ago. Things that didn't work in our relationship started to "click".

In Fall of 2009, after seeking help, talking, berating, working on "relationship" issues and seeking to understand how my husband would have been affected by witnessing and experiencing abuse as a child, I asked him for a separation.

His response?

Get a shotgun and barricade himself in the bedroom.

(Up to the point of our actual separation, he denied his childhood experiences had anything to do with our current problems. Yeah. Right.)

Now, I am leaving out some major details. Suffice it to say, this was the absolute SCARIEST, most TRAUMATIC moment in my life. I left. IMMEDIATELY. Police came. He was removed. The following Monday I filed a restraining order and began the process of separating myself from him; mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially and legally.

A lot has happened since that time. As I look back on that moment I am competely aware that not only was he threatening to take his own life but mine as well. I am thankful for God's grace in that moment and since.

I guess one reason I am back here blogging now is to help others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I am now (always was - just didn't realize it) a single mom with four kids. Yup. Four. And we are making it! You can too! More on that later ...

Highlight #2
The court system/family law SUCKS. If you think you will get satisfaction from the court system. You will not. Do not put your faith in "the system". The best you can do is educate yourself on how the system works and the profile of abusers.

Here are some recommended readings to help:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Refuge: A Pathway Out of Domestic Violence & Abuse
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond
This is not at all a comprehensive list of books that may be helpful. There are dozens more. However, these three in particular are ones that have helped me develop a better understanding or my own situation and how to respond.

Highlight #3:
God is in the details.

Always.

How can I say that? Well, I will add more to the posts here as time goes on ... but let me just say my faith has grown by leaps and bounds during this time of crisis. My finances, my health, my children, and yes, even my *GASP* love life is very much of interest to God.

The most important thing I have learned in all of this is that God loves me. He cares about me. He is intimately concerned with EVERY detail of my life. He pursues me as a lover would his love interest. Aside from the beautiful jewels of my children that I get out of the ashes of my failed marriage, I have a new love. One who is ALWAYS by my side, who will NEVER leave me, one who is there for me and loves me just as I am.

He pursues me RELENTLESSLY.

If you find yourself in my position; staring at the ashes of your failed marriage, wondering what will happen to your children, where you will live, maybe even how you will have enough money to put food on the table...stop. Take your eyes off the things of this world and raise them up. Look up. Reach out to your Heavenly Father and press in. Hard.

He will NEVER let you down.