..... Originally posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 .....
A lot has happened in just a short amount of time. Sometimes it's overwhelming. Others I wish we could just hurry up and get everything "done". Wow. I didn't even know life could get so hard.
Marriage was such a struggle. I worked so hard on my relationship but then to come to the realization there was no "relationship" to begin with because it was always just a game - a means to an end. I can't even really speak as to what he was playing at because what I do know is he really didn't care about me. Ever. Oh, well maybe in the way one keeps someone or something around because it makes us look or feel good about ourselves. But to realize I was NEVER in a true partnership with the one I chose to share my life with ... heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking ...
How to even begin to process this. I was and always have been a single mom. I am a single parent. I am single. I was single even when I was married. Wow. It's still overwhelming. I am right in the middle of it all and I can hardly believe it myself.
I am a single mom of four kids. I carry the load and responsibility for the five of us. I always have and I always did. I just didn't realize it. How could I have missed that? What was I thinking? Where were all my friends and family? How come we didn't notice?
Well, we didn't. Unlike the marriages that end mutually or with some agreement that the partners are not right for each other, mine ended with a threat to life and a new awareness that it was never even really "marriage". It was something like slavery I guess. As long as I did everything he expected (which he hardly ever told me what that was so I was being held accountable for things I did "wrong" when I wasn't even aware ...) everything was fine. Or so it seemed. I didn't know. I just didn't ...
I am a single mom. I have four children. How will we get through this crap? When will it be over? Will this fight ever end or will we be constantly on the look out for danger?
I don't know. I hope it will end soon. I know we will "make it" somehow, someway. I just don't know how.
Marriage was such a struggle. I worked so hard on my relationship but then to come to the realization there was no "relationship" to begin with because it was always just a game - a means to an end. I can't even really speak as to what he was playing at because what I do know is he really didn't care about me. Ever. Oh, well maybe in the way one keeps someone or something around because it makes us look or feel good about ourselves. But to realize I was NEVER in a true partnership with the one I chose to share my life with ... heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking ...
How to even begin to process this. I was and always have been a single mom. I am a single parent. I am single. I was single even when I was married. Wow. It's still overwhelming. I am right in the middle of it all and I can hardly believe it myself.
I am a single mom of four kids. I carry the load and responsibility for the five of us. I always have and I always did. I just didn't realize it. How could I have missed that? What was I thinking? Where were all my friends and family? How come we didn't notice?
Well, we didn't. Unlike the marriages that end mutually or with some agreement that the partners are not right for each other, mine ended with a threat to life and a new awareness that it was never even really "marriage". It was something like slavery I guess. As long as I did everything he expected (which he hardly ever told me what that was so I was being held accountable for things I did "wrong" when I wasn't even aware ...) everything was fine. Or so it seemed. I didn't know. I just didn't ...
I am a single mom. I have four children. How will we get through this crap? When will it be over? Will this fight ever end or will we be constantly on the look out for danger?
I don't know. I hope it will end soon. I know we will "make it" somehow, someway. I just don't know how.
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