Letting go ...

Letting go.

It's hard.

Letting go of the past. Moving on.

Letting go of expectations;

• of myself
• my children
• my ex
• my family & friends
• my future

Letting go of guilt.

Am I stuck? Am I learning to let go?

I don't think so ... I think I am letting go.

Wrestling with anxiety. Wrestling with doubt. Wrestling insecurity. Wrestling against settling for what's "safe".

For me, my most difficult struggle is learning to let go.

Losing relationships. Losing security. Leaving unhealthy situations. Taking responsibility for my attitudes, actions, and behaviors.

Letting go of a lifetime of poor boundaries.

Letting go ...

... is hard.

I am a "Welfare" mom

How to address this issue ... As a result of my separation and divorce I have found myself in a precarious situation financially. I was not prepared to be the primary (financial) support for my family. In fact, much of my time was spent balancing my work/business with family obligations. In general the family obligations trumped work. It was an agreement I had with my partner at the time. Toward the end of our relationship, I was actually shouldering most, if not all, of the financial burden in additional to managing the household and tending to the children and their needs. Looking back, this was a breaking point for me. Again, without getting into too many details -- I was doing everything. It wasn't that I didn't ask for or want my partner's help ... in his brokenness he sabotaged even the simplest of family routines -- daily. (One reason why not being in daily relationship with him has actually made our lives somewhat easier.)

Initially as I separated from my ex, I was making a full time income running my private teaching business. However, as the court processes drug on, custody issues became more and more concerning, and I learned about the cycle of abuse and more on my part in contributing to the dysfunction, I knew that on my own I was not going to be able to support my family fully. Well, at least not while balancing the physical and emotional needs of all, as well as providing financially without some assistance.

So, what does a "welfare" mom look like?

She looks like me.

I have a Master's Degree. I have experience successfully operating my own small business. I have worked in public schools. I am accomplished. I am well-educated. I am driven.

During the transition of becoming a single parent responsible for a household of 5, I have had several comments made to me about being on and/or qualifying for assistance.

One such comment is:

"Gosh. You have a lot of kids. You should be getting assistance."

(I'm still waiting for that big government check to replace my income so I can quit working to support my family ...)

Other comments include:

"I wish I qualified for welfare (food stamps, etc)."

To the above comment, my thought is -- I wish I had a healthy, functioning partnership.

I would trade every dime of assistance for a HEALTHY, loving, supportive partner.

I would do this in a heartbeat because being dependent on welfare or any other kind of assistance isn't as easy or pleasant or fun as it might seem. If you have never found yourself in a position of not being able to provide for your family, please do not be jealous.

And, finally:

"When do you finally become self-sufficient so you don't have to depend on assistance programs?"

And, the answer to this is even more complicated. As a single parent with little (no) support (financial or otherwise) from the other parent, I find myself in a position that I'm not prepared for. I was the "supportive" partner with a mostly part-time income -- I was earning about 1/2 a full time income in my field but the trade-off was that I had flexibility in my schedule to tend to myself and my family while still managing my business. It seemed perfect.

And then, it all changed.

It is "possible" for me to work more, get a second job, maybe a third ... But then, who would pick up my kids and drive them to activities? Who will feed them dinner? When will health or medical appointments be made if I'm always gone? Who will they be able to talk to about school or friends or problems they are having if I'm never around?

So, for now, my children receive free/reduced lunch. My household qualifies for a small amount of food assistance. The state covers my children's medical. And, I have a subsidy for daycare and housing.

Would I trade all of this for a healthy, functional family unit?

Absolutely.

I am a Welfare mom.

Defining me

Who am I?

I am;

Woman
Mother
Daughter
Sister
Friend
Divorced
Broken
Hurting
Tremendous
Overwhelming
Passionate
Compassionate
Teacher
Student
Single

I am all these things and more. I struggle so much with who I am. Divorce, hurt, betrayal, rejection - it all sucks. It hurts.

Who am I?

Friend
Lover
Healing
Hoping
Growing
Learning
Living
Loving

Who am I? What is my propose? What is my value? Why do I have to deal with such hurt? I don't know all the answers. I just know I'm where God wants me.

I don't understand - why I'm here, why I'm still hurting, why I have to struggle with my self-worth, believing in myself ...

Who am I?

I am the daughter of the most high King. I am beloved. I am loved without condition. I am His princess. My Father sees all my hurt, all my sadness, all my failures, my successes. In all of my questioning He is there. Always.

God is my rock.

No matter my circumstances; unemployed, divorced, hurting, healing, single, questioning, strong, weak - God will not abandon me.

Who am I?

I am beloved.

The healing journey

Jesus, come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide ...

http://www.klove.com/music/artists/mercyme/songs/the-hurt-the-healer-lyrics.aspx

So, healing. What is it? How do you do it? Can you make it happen faster?

Hmmm. For me, healing from a history of unhealthy relationships and learning healthy boundaries has been a definite process. A process that takes TIME.

(Does 35+ years sound like a long time???)

How much time? I can't say. I have to say I have come SO FAR since leaving an extremely unhealthy relationship (marriage). I know I still have a long, long way to go in my journey and also realize that some of the struggles I have today will continue to creep up as I continue my journey toward health and wholeness. Oh, maybe I won't be quite so "psycho banshee" when triggered by difficult circumstances (yes, I have a tendency to externalize ... it isn't always pretty). But, I am so thankful that God has allowed me to heal and continues to stand by and provide while I work on my, ehm, er, "issues".

One thing I have learned (or, maybe am still learning - yeah, still learning) is not to take things personally. I grew up in an environment in which every little criticism I took personally. "Someone" did "something" and suddenly I was defending myself. I am learning to let go of this defensiveness. I am learning to take responsibility for MY feelings, MY attititudes, MY actions and MY behavior.

So, how did I manage to get so healthy and so suddenly?? Ha ha ha ... no, really. I have discovered I am a raging recovering codependent. What does that mean? It means sometimes I try to rescue other people. And sometimes I want others to rescue me. It's really just niceness taken to an unhealthy, really poor boundaries kinda place. It is work. Hard work.

And, just when you think you are done and have worked on all you possibly can, there's more W-O-R-K. Yup. Work.

Good news

So I have some good news. It doesn't involve a new job. Or lottery winnings. Or even that things have significantly changed in the past few days. I will say I have been on the edge. But, the good news? Are you ready? The good news is I'm still holding it together. I have been in the raw place of not knowing how I was going to provide for my family, of questioning everything I ever believed. But, we are here. We have made it through the day. We are getting help. We are healing. We are getting better. We are together. And, one day - soon - our family will be restored.

On the edge ...

Well, folks, I will say that this isn't an unfamiliar place but I had worked so hard to find stability, safety and peace. And, suddenly I find myself without employment, in the middle of a drama similar to my own experience - finding I have to distance myself from - with a child acting out in aggression endangering others in day camp, feeling exhausted and just at the end ...

Have you ever found yourself in that place? That place you work so hard to avoid or deny exisits? You know what I'm talking about. That place at the end of yourself where you think you couldn't go another inch, another minute, or maybe even one more second longer?

I've been to that place. The place where you question everything. The place where you wonder aloud, "Can this really be where I'm at again???" The place where you have to ask, "Is this it?" and "Is this all there is?"

I worked SO HARD. SO VERY HARD. To heal. To hope. To protect. To be healthy. So. Very. Hard.

What have I learned from the past few years of leaving the life I was accustomed to? From surviving an unhealthy marriage? From going through extreme emotional difficulty?

I have learned;

• I can do this.
• I can ask for help.
• I can take time out.
• I can choose to live in the moment.
• I can have joy.
• I can choose peace.
• I can not allow others free rent in my mental space.

That's right. I can. I can do this.

Do I like how it feels? No.

Do I want to be "saved"? Maybe.

Is this the worst, scariest, most annoying, most traumatic, most awful place I've ever experienced? Close.

Is it pretty? No.

Can I do this?

YES.

No longer in denial ...

..... Originally posted on Saturday, March 12, 2011 .....

A lot has happened in just a short amount of time. Sometimes it's overwhelming. Others I wish we could just hurry up and get everything "done". Wow. I didn't even know life could get so hard.

Marriage was such a struggle. I worked so hard on my relationship but then to come to the realization there was no "relationship" to begin with because it was always just a game - a means to an end. I can't even really speak as to what he was playing at because what I do know is he really didn't care about me. Ever. Oh, well maybe in the way one keeps someone or something around because it makes us look or feel good about ourselves. But to realize I was NEVER in a true partnership with the one I chose to share my life with ... heartbreaking. Absolutely heartbreaking ...

How to even begin to process this. I was and always have been a single mom. I am a single parent. I am single. I was single even when I was married. Wow. It's still overwhelming. I am right in the middle of it all and I can hardly believe it myself.

I am a single mom of four kids. I carry the load and responsibility for the five of us. I always have and I always did. I just didn't realize it. How could I have missed that? What was I thinking? Where were all my friends and family? How come we didn't notice?

Well, we didn't. Unlike the marriages that end mutually or with some agreement that the partners are not right for each other, mine ended with a threat to life and a new awareness that it was never even really "marriage". It was something like slavery I guess. As long as I did everything he expected (which he hardly ever told me what that was so I was being held accountable for things I did "wrong" when I wasn't even aware ...) everything was fine. Or so it seemed. I didn't know. I just didn't ...

I am a single mom. I have four children. How will we get through this crap? When will it be over? Will this fight ever end or will we be constantly on the look out for danger?

I don't know. I hope it will end soon. I know we will "make it" somehow, someway. I just don't know how.