Thief

Grief.

It sneaks in - like a thief. Unwelcome. Unexpected.

All the hard work of healing, recovering, moving on;  stops. The spinning begins again. It's as if everything is muted. Colors become dull. Thoughts are disconnected.

Anger wells up. Every fiber screams,  "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

And it isn't. It isn't fair. It never was.

The moment washes over me, like a wave. Threatening to pull me under. Pulling and tugging at my heart ...

The grief fades. It has taken its toll. It will be back. Maybe this next time it won't be so great ...

Grief

Somewhere in the middle of all the energy fighting to keep my kids safe, to get them the help and resources they need, somewhere in all of the living and surviving, I have had zero time to grieve.

I find lots of time to be angry, to shout in frustration at my kids, to let bitterness well up so much that I feel I'm being crushed under it's weight.

But sadness? Who has time for that? That's where the anger keeps me safe. Or, so I think.  I think being angry will keep me safe. Safe from the hurt. Safe from the lost feeling. Safe from being frozen with inaction. Safe from the unknown.

All it really does is drive a wedge even further between my trauma and the trauma my kids have suffered. It steals my joy. Anger takes away from MOVING ON.

I can't say I know what to do with it. I have come to recognize many of the things that trigger my anger; fear, exhaustion, feelings of helplessness, financial stresses ... sadness.

Added to that fact that we experience ongoing trauma due to visitation and transition issues, it feels like the anger is always there. Festering. Waiting to rear it's head and EXPLODE.

My fear is it's too much. That no one can or will stay with us through all this difficulty. It's big. So big. Overwhelming ...

Slowly, the anger turns to tears. The sadness threatens to crush me. It's as if I can't breath. I'm drowning ... drowning in sorrow ...

Reflections: 20 Year Reunion ...

Wow. Twenty years. Twenty years have passed since I graduated high school. Twenty short years. Or, maybe they have been long. The past 5 years have definitely been some of the most difficult of my life ...

As I look forward (still debating on attending ...) to my 20 year high school reunion I can't help but reflect on the past 20 years. Many good. Many memorable. Tough times. Trying times. Joyful times. And, our share of hard times. Some very, very hard.

Twenty years. Two decades representing my entire adult life. In that 20 years, I graduated high school, went to college, gave birth, graduated college, secured employment in my field, gave birth to a second son, went to grad school, started my own business, bought a home, finished grad school, gave birth to a third son, continued building my business, then gave birth to a fourth son. I have given birth to 4 amazing boys. FOUR. Yup. Amazing.

Also during the past two decades, I struggled. Relationships struggles. Big struggles. Ongoing struggles.In 2007 I was informed of (then) husband's family history of extreme violence; alcoholism, abuse, instability, mental health issues. Lies. Lots and lots of lies. The man I was married to was not who he portrayed himself to be.

In 2009, due to a traumatic incident (see "But ... he doesn't hit me"), I filed a restraining order and began the process of legal separation/divorce. It was/is brutal. Not only does this year mark 20 years since high school graduation, I also celebrate the 5th year of my separation/divorce.

Twenty years ago I was a high school senior with plans. What plans? Plans to go to college and become a teacher. So that's what I did. I went to college. I became a teacher. I taught briefly after graduating college and then decided to stay home with my son and worked part time. I don't regret for one moment making my family a priority. Not one. However, due to being out of my profession for 8 or so years while raising a family, I am now at a cross-roads. My options in the education world are; substitute teach or work as a para educator. Options are limited.

Finding work outside of education is absolutely a possibility. This is the question I get at nearly every interview;

"If your background is in education, why don't you just go back to teaching?"

And, thus my dilemma ... Lots of education. Little work experience (outside of running my own business). The other issue I personally struggle with is this - I love teaching. I'm good at it. I had my dream job running my own tutoring business. Earning an income AND having fun doing it. I was good at it. However, due to ongoing family issues; including mental health, self-harm, and ongoing behavioral and emotional concerns with all of the children I decided to close my business and focus on family.

Twenty years ...